You guys, the internet is full of wondrous things: lolcats and feminist dialogue and INTENSE analysis of obscure comic books and dreamy Instagram snaps of that salad your best friend ate for lunch yesterday. Now that one last thing the internet was missing has been ticked off: a step by step guide to how much it would cost to insure the characters of The Hobbit. So switch off your computers, stop your commenting. That's it. We're done. The world wide web is finally complete.
Allianz insurance experts Dr Nils Möckelmann and Andreas Hufgard recently totted up the figures so we wouldn't have to.
They argue when Azog loses his hand, he's entitled to compensation for pain and suffering, lost wages and treatment. Möckelmann and Hufgard have assumed he makes a cool 100 euros a day, which seems like good money, but I guess how many one-handed orcs are there, anyway?
They also make allowance for the fact that Azog doesn't need all that much compensation because of his 'exceptional constitution' and make reference to how he only took two days off work after losing his hand.
Makes you feel kind of bad about taking three days off for the flu last year, huh? So Azog can expect a tidy 5,700 euro payout from Thorin.
100 orcs are injured or slain and Möckelmann and Hufgard have estimated a pain and suffering damage of 5,000 euros per orc, with an additional 1,000 euros per orc for either treatment or funeral expenses. Each of the estimated 30 surviving orcs gets paid 100 euros, which adds up to 603,000 euros. Yeesh.
But the payout that's really going to hit the insurance company where it hurts will be for the Warg Riders. Möckelmann and Hufgard put an estimated value of 100,000 euros on each of the endangered giant wolves. So when 25 of them end up stabbed, injured or dead they'd be paying the riders (who we're guessing are their owners, right?) a 2,500,000 euro payout.
However, when three trolls get turned to stone there's diddly squat for Mr Insurance to pay out since there's no one to claim the payment and no funeral expenses are required as a stone troll acts as its own gravestone (how recession-friendly!). Similarly, when five stone giants break each other up into thousands of pieces, it's considered an 'act of nature', so no payment changes hands.
So, Middle Earth insurance companies will be paying a massive 3,108,700 euros after The Hobbit.