ByRachael Rumancek, writer at
would love a vodka shower and a never ending supply of sushi. follow me on twitter @rachaelrumancek
Rachael Rumancek

Just picture it: all hell has broken loose and now the living dead are swarming the face of the planet: The zombie apocalypse is here. You need to get to safety and you need to get there frickin' quickly or you are going to end up food, and that is a fate you do not want to happen upon, my friend. Everyone you know and love is probably already dead and if you don't get to safety your ass will be too.

First, you need security — something that you can really protect yourself with. What you need is a weapon. There's no time to shop or fuss; you need something dependable and you need it now. You need a weapon that will not only always come through for you but will in return earn its keep by being versatile and sensible as well. What should your your go-to zombie killing weapon be?

You Need A Machete!

'Machete' [Credit: Fox]
'Machete' [Credit: Fox]

Not just any bush-whackin machete will do though, will it? No, of course not. What you need is a survival . A survival machete is just as powerful as other models but with added features that could just end up saving your life.

It Has Killer Versatility

'The Devil's Rejects' [Credit: Lionsgate Films]
'The Devil's Rejects' [Credit: Lionsgate Films]

Let's face it: When it comes to versatility, a survival machete is above other basic models. Far more versatile than other machete blades, the survival machete not only offers a variety of comfortable uses for zombie killing, but it's a multi-function tool as well.

Built for swinging through tough brush, the survival machete blade is both sharp and heavy enough to behead zombies with ease. Apart from swinging like Mark McGwire after a little locker-room booster, the survival machete can also be utilized as a hatchet, crowbar, saw, hammer, knife, sword, spear and various other hunting, farming and defense tools.

A Dependable Weapon Is Key To Survival

The dependability of a non-mechanical weapon is unarguably greater. Don't get me wrong here, my friend — given the collapse of modern civilization and the rise of the unruly undead, I would greatly love to get my tiny, yet capable hands on some firearms and explosives as my first line of defense; but here's the thing: they malfunction. The second you add in any form of mechanics to your weapon regime, it greatly increases your chances for weapon malfunction. In layman's terms: It fails, you die. Sometime's guns misfire, maybe your harpoon has a gear stuck, or there's always the possibility your grenade may be a dud. As long as you have your trusty ol' blade you aren't defenseless.

'The Walking Dead' [Credit: AMC]
'The Walking Dead' [Credit: AMC]

Sometimes shit happens that we can't plan for — like a zombie apocalypse. So, we do our best to account for variables we can to prevent from going wrong. Call me crazy here (and many mouth-breathers do), but my first line of defense is going to be a simple, sturdy and dependable blade — no bullets, no gears and no fuss. As long as I have my trusty survival machete I am confident that I will have all I need while I rebuild on my road to safety and continue to acquire all I need to survive.

Your Survival Machete Is Your New Best Friend

Sure, your machete is a little on the heavy side, but let me give you some advice: toughen up or get eaten by zombies. With this conveniently deadly tool you will be able to build, hunt and protect; it's a real triple threat, if you will. This is the damned apocalypse — only the strong survive now. So toughen up and keep your zombie-defenses on the up. Besides, what's to stop a zombie apocalypse from happening anyhow?

Make sure you leave us your thoughts in the comment section below. As always, be sure to follow me on Twitter @RachaelRumancek. Prepare yourselves now, future zombie survivors!


Latest from our Creators