Good news: all those hours you spent watching #TheWalkingDead are about to pay off. The bad news: you won't be able to enjoy the show for very much longer. Why? Because the zombie apocalypse is already upon us, and it's only a matter of time until society as we know it descends into chaos.
Verified zombie experts (yes, they're a real thing) say that signs of legitimate zombie attacks are nothing new, and certainly nothing to be ignored. Here's why you need to be taking this thing seriously, and what to do next.
More on zombies:
- Comparing Different Zombie Types Around The Globe
- 10 New Zombie Horror Movies Released In 2016
- Don't Panic! A Real Zombie Apocalypse Might Not Be as Brutal as You Expect
Wake Up, Sheeple
According to this old-timey map, global zombie outbreaks have been happening for a while now. Hundreds of years, in fact. The only reason you haven't heard about them is because "they" (evil scientists/government officials/"the man") don't want you to find out and panic, throwing the world in to disorder and anarchy. But jokes on them, because the Zombie Research Society have already unveiled the shocking truth.
The Zombie Research Society are a totally real and very serious organisation, describing themselves as "a group of academics and artists and enthusiasts who are interested in advancing the knowledge and respect of zombies in science and survival". According to them, there are a ton of recorded stories of zombies eating people, with the earliest dating back to burial grounds of the Native American Cahokia people in the 8th century.
While this may sound like the wishful thinking of nerds who've watched too many George A. Romero films, there have been more recent incidents which ring alarm bells. For example, there's been an unusually high number of people eating other people's faces as of late. Who could forget the infamous Rudy Eugene, who was shot four times after attempting to eat a man's face in Miami in 2012? Or the Floridian frat boy who just this year was found gnawing on the face of an older man he had murdered. Both suspects were reported to have been growling and grunting during their fleshy feast.
And then there's cases of people rising from the dead: a three-year-old girl in the Philippines awoke at here own funeral. A "dead" man infected with Ebola was found reanimated inside his own body bag. Okay, so maybe those people weren't actually dead to begin with... or were they? Two words: government conspiracy.
Politicians aren't exactly known for being beacons of honesty. Is Donald Trump really xenophobic, or is he actually building a wall to protect us all from zombie hordes? This news could really have an impact on the election. What's Hilary Clinton's survival plan for taking on the undead? America demands answers, Hilary.
Listen To This Guy
This is Matt Mogk. You may recognise him from his occasional appearance as a panelist on Talking Dead, the show that recaps each episode of The Walking Dead.
What you might not know about him is that he's the leading expert on all things zombie. He wrote his Masters thesis on zombies at NYU film school, and worked in an infectious disease research centre. He even wrote a book called Everything You'd Ever Want To Know About Zombies. Oh, and he's also combat-ready, having served as a sort of mercenary in the French Foreign Legion. It should come as no surprise that Matt founded the Zombie Research Society. That's right, this guy is kind of responsible for leading us to safety in the dystopian future.
The downside to Matt Mogk is there's only one of him, and we all know how low the supply of ass-kicking walking encyclopaedias of zombie lore are. Thankfully, Matt has taken it upon himself to provide a set of very thorough instructional YouTube videos on how to survive a zombie attack, which is basically a summary of how every idiot has gotten themselves killed on The Walking Dead.
You're Going To Have To Move To Canada
UK residents may think they've had a shocker of a year, but they ain't seen nothing yet. England is apparently rather ill-equipped to deal with zombies. Steve Hart of the UK Preppers Guide — who have written their own zombie apocalypse guides — claims that to his knowledge, the UK government "has no plans for any type of outbreak". As if that isn't bad enough, he also made reference to "what was known as 'mad cow disease' quite a few years back", possibly alluding to the fact that it could have been a case of zombie containment. Reminds me of that gross gutted cow that got Dale killed.
Luckily, there is hope. The Zombie Research Society has compiled a list of the best countries to flee to in case of an undead uprising, and Canada looks to be a prime contender. As well as boasting a progressive and arguably attractive sci-fi nerd as their Prime Minister, Canada's climate makes for an easy zombie repellant. Matt Mogk explains why.
“Canada has tonnes of land and if zombies freeze in cold weather you want to be some place where it is cold, Canada has a lot of cold."
Hear that, Canadians? You can finally stop complaining about your bitter winters and rejoice in the fact that you live in a confirmed safe zone. If Canada doesn't take your fancy, Australia actually qualified as the safest place to be in a zombie apocalypse. But don't forget: there's spiders there. Really, really big spiders.