Keep in mind that this is a breakdown of the international trailer, which is just the first trailer (that came out in June) cut in half, because apparently our overseas friends can't pay attention longer than a minute according to Warner Bros.
That said, I never did a breakdown of the first trailer and I love putting two colons in a headline, so below is a sarcasm and screenshot-fueled look at the sequel to Meet The Spartans.
First things first, the trailer has to establish that Warner Bros. didn't read my 2007 fan-fiction sequel for 300 where Leonidas comes back to life and leads a ghost army against Alexander the Great. Instead, Xerxes has his way with him or something, which Lena Headey does NOT find okay.
With the soldiers and their "spears" standing at attention, Queen Gorgo gives a speech to what appear to be the athenians that will be joining Sparta against Persia. Then she gifs her way back into our hearts with an oddly placed smirk.
In this shot, slomosapien decides to jump off a cliff and sword a persian on the boat below because Zack Snyder.
So the Evil Emperor Zurgxes declares that nothing will stop his empire. Whoa, back up Zurgxes, this movie isn't talking about the rise of your empire, no matter what you're showing to that huge crowd right now.
Artemisia (Queen of Caria and commander of the Persian Navy) shows up and is nearly recognized by Xerxes as Vesper Lynd (blast his DVD collection!). Expect her to be a major plot figure for this movie since she's one of the two females on the cast.
Ships get set on fire and then we see a young Artemisia showing child emotions, which was a bummer. I'm not a history buff, so I'm not sure which event this is referring to. I know that she loves and respects Xerxes more than her body parts, and she became queen because her husband died.
Finally, we get to see Themistocles (unless he's slomosapien's secret identity). All you really need to know about him is that he's Athens' warrior politician.
Then they snuck in a scene from Ghost Rider 3 for some reason.
We're then treated to some more action slomosapien scenes, including Vesper Lynd getting in on the action. Oh and then we finally see Emperor Zurgxes finish what he was doing to Leonidas earlier FINALLY.
And that's it! I like short trailers. What? Oh sorry I never did give Queen Gorgo and Themistocles nicknames did I. Uh...Queen Gogo only makes sense if you saw the full trailer and I'm pretty sure my nickname for Themistocles would be censored, so nevermind.
Jon Negroni is the author of the Pixar Theory and other movie-related conspiracies. For more of his odd opinions you might care about, check out jonnegroni.com or follow him on Twitter @JonNegroni