ByJon Negroni, writer at Creators.co
I'm from around here. Twitter: @JonNegroni Official: jonnegroni.com
Jon Negroni

Don't know if you should take a risk on Getaway instead of watching You're Next for the second time? Well, I was, so I consulted the CRITICS: people who are paid to review movies, so they use complicated jargon to stretch their opinions into 300 words.

Let's take a look.

A guy having his wife kidnapped and threatened with death should be a lot more worked up and manic than Hawke plays this fellow. And a young woman snatched for a ride-along you would think would be freaking out a bit at this or that hair-raising chase...

-Roger Moore (Movie Nation)

Translation: The acting is bad.

...this is the sort of movie so subservient to plot schematics that when The Voice tells Brent he has three seconds to kill Gomez's character, known only as "The Kid," and Brent insists that he can't, The Voice replies with, "Well, good—you'll need her."

- R. Kurt Osenlund (Slant Magazine)

Translation: Not even the screenplay could justify having Selena Gomez in this.

A car-chase clunker that can't escape its own noxious emissions.

-Scott Bowles (USA Today)

Translation: I knew I could insert a climate change metaphor into this review.

But unless you're a demolition-derby fetishist or a connoisseur of vehicular mayhem, none of that will buy you a thrill in this video game posing as a movie.

-Sheri Linden (Los Angeles Times)

Translation: Interactive entertainment (video games)...is bad?

It's understandable that larger scale movies will want to spawn sequels, but this is about two degrees away from being a movie that premieres on Cinemax on a Friday night, sandwiched between two soft core porn movies with funny titles. Getaway is stuck in neutral. And that's where it'll stay.

-Drew Taylor (The Playlist)

Translation: Why, yes I can use porn and car metaphors in the same paragraph thanks to this movie.

Jon Negroni is the author of the Pixar Theory and other movie-related conspiracies. For more of his odd opinions you might care about, check out jonnegroni.com or follow him on Twitter @JonNegroni

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