When Hollywood metaphorically called us up and imparted the big news that RoboCop was coming back to the big screen after being a 1980's cult classic (hard to do), a lot of us said things like "No thanks" and "Why would you do something so ridiculous?"
Then Hollywood came right back at us with photos of the movie, probably thinking "That'll shut those fanboys up." Instead, we responded with things like "Wow, that's pretty stupid" and "This has be a joke...Hollywood can't be that desperate for cash."
Okay, let's back up and talk about this like adults.
The first shot of the trailer starts with a stealth bomber flying over Detroit (I guess) with AT-ST's (I guess) roaming the streets below. I'm feeling some heavy Star Wars vibes going on here.
Then the shot cuts to what's either an explosion or urban pollution. If this is really Detroit, then I don't know what to think. Thankfully, the next shot is filled with fire and people running, so my imagination is curtailed, especially when this pops up on the screen:
So the main cop guy, Detective Alex Murphy, watches his partner get gunned down, so we know for sure that crime is out of control. Hopefully this movie won't throw any more curveballs that taunt death at us. Judging by the original movie, we've lost the one black guy in Detroit, which I find problematic.
Luckily, it's 2013 so Samuel L. Jackson is at that stage in his career where he will apparently do any movie role that gives him a cool wig. His character announced that we're on the eve of a technological revolution where (hopefully) partners don't get gunned down. This also means we get a technology montage.
The trailer then decides to show us the titular character early, rather than build suspense like normal trailers do. My guess is they just wanted an excuse to show us Gary Oldman before we click away.
Oh yeah and Michael Keaton is in this as Raymond Sellars, CEO of OmniCorp. He spouts something about their corporation needing "a product with a conscience," because apparently Costco stock is down. I guess now we'll see what happens to the guy who becomes Robo-Oh, sorry hold on. We have to see what is probably a still of the boardroom conversation that occurred in preproduction. We then see the legs of a robot running (wonder who??) and a robotic suit behind glass. That's cool, now can we see if they screw up the origin for the main character?The trailer thankfully gives us 3 solid seconds to see the main character and begin to care about his plight, including his oddly jovial offspring.
So Detective Alex Murphy's Law gets blown up and is sent to OmniCorp to become iRoboCop. They basically took one of the best things about the original movie (and said "People didn't like that!"
It's a little sad seeing Keaton replace Hugh Laurie as the movie villain, especially with those aviators sitting there asking to be mocked. Still, Keaton seems to enjoy playing Evil Bruce Wayne.
Oldman plays Dr. Dennett Norton because Hollywood makes some great decisions. He explains that Alex Murphy's Law will be paralyzed, even if he survives. Mrs. Murphy's Law comes back with "If you save him, what kind of life will he have" instead of "Save him at all costs," but I'm no marriage expert.
Which is pretty fair because he is Gary Oldman. So, iRoboCop is born, but don't get used to that cool, chrome look. According to Evil Bruce Wayne, he needs to look more "tactical" and can only do that if he's black, because whatever.
Look, I know this is Detroit in 2028, and people are not likely to be happy. But when there are balloons in the corner, you'd think these people would express more emotions than zero. Anyway, we learn that iRobocop is cool because he scan groups of people and search their criminal history using his iRolodex. Also, he has sweet ride.
We see shots of iRobocop taking out bad guys and being praised by Samuel L. Jackson's "Pat Novak" character. Nothing could go wrong right? Good, let's end the trailer here before we give away the entire plot of the movie.
So, Mrs. Murphy's Law shows up to beg iRobocop to stop saving lives and talk to his kid.
The tone of the trailer then shifts to what the movie is really about, a man struggling to preserve his humanity.
Cue a bunch of random action shots from different parts of the movie as Gary Oldman yells at someone about how his human side is always going to conflict with his machine side. We also get a look at OmniCorp's use of robots to overcorrect the whole crime situation, as well as their blatant disregard for LucasFilm's intelligent properties.
Oh no! OmniCorp is evil! Who could possibly save us?
My hope is that this trailer purposefully tells us the entire movie because it's going to pull out some grand surprise or twist at the end, like Gary Oldman putting on his own suit and duking it out with Evil Bruce Wayne. I'm pretty sure the internet would explode.
RoboCop scans into theaters February 7, 2014.
Jon Negroni is the author of the Pixar Theory and other movie-related conspiracies. For more of his odd opinions you might care about, check out jonnegroni.com or follow him on Twitter @JonNegroni