ByBrad Barnes, writer at
Brad Barnes

The above panel shows how absurdly complicated William Moulton Marston's conception of Wonder Woman was! Destroy all evil? LIke that was EVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Created in 1941 when he was 48 years old, Marston wanted Wonder Woman to represent all that was excellent about femininity and, as he fired the imagination of a young Gloria Steinem, few could argue that Marston succeeded beyond his wildest dreams! But this most complex of super heroes has been hobbled by the impossible dream of her aspirations, and to work in the movies, Wonder Woman needs to be comprehensible, rational and wonderful!

Adrianne Palicki was the best thing on FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, and her failed pilot TV show as WONDER WOMAN was weighed-down by too much bric-a-brac. Does Wonder Woman need Ugg boots, a fireman's slicker, a water bottle and leggings? This wasn't exactly what killed the TV show, but Wonder Woman needs a lighter touch to fly the Invisible Plane of our dreams! Wonder Woman needs a simpler Year One, a streamlined Time Line to be embraced by the mass market! Her 75 years of history needs to be made Twitter-Friendly!

Something like this:

In the beginning, Zeus was the pimp of Olympus, and he seduced Hippolyta; the Queen of the Amazons; one enchanted evening!

From this hook up, Hippolyta became pregnant! Princess Diana was the firstborn of the Amazons and was raised in the peaceful kingdom of Paradise Island, where no man had ever lived! Diana became as strong as Hercules, as swift as Hermes, as beautiful as Venus and as wise as Athena!

Wonder Tot grew up on isolated Paradise Island, but their sister city was the undersea kingdom of Atlantis, which was populated by Mermen and Mermaids! It was here where she befriended Mer-Mite, who quickly developed a crush on her!

From a very tender age, Wonder Tot always had a keen sense of her destiny, and that was not to be somebody's wife! Still, her playmates from Atlantis gave her a sense of the world beyond Paradise Island!

As Wonder Girl, she was pursued by Bird Boy, who lived in Olympus!

Still, even as her adolescent feelings were torn between her two suitors, she maintained her sense of mission!

The Amazons were a warrior culture who played bullets'n'bracelets to keep their skills sharp! Beneath Hippolyta's watchful gaze, Princess Diana honed her fighting skills with the finest army ever assembled on the Earth, becoming ready to face any foe, to climb any mountain, to ford any stream!

Princess Diana knew that there was a wild world out there that needed the tender mercies which only an Amazon could provide, and she waited for a sign to lead her far, far away from the only home that she had ever known!

Major Steve Trevor was shot down while completing a combat mission over the Pacific Ocean! He crashed over the Bermuda Triangle and found himself burning up in Paradise!

Against the protests of her subjects, Diana fought through the flames and pulled Steve to safety, who had been thrown into shallow waters!

Diana nursed Steve back to health!

As Steve was near death, Diana developed new technology with which to save his fragile hold on life!

Returning Steve to America in her Invisible Plane, Diana purchases a nurses' identity in order to oversee Steve's full recovery!

Later, deciding to remain in America, Wonder Woman joins Steve's staff at Military Intelligence in Washington D.C.!

See what I did there?

A JUSTICE LEAGUE movie without Wonder Woman is like a kiss without a squeeze, and I want my main squeeze in the League, please! Give me Wonder Woman, give me Justice, or give me death! Hola!


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