ByBill Kim, writer at
I am a meat popsicle with wheels. Four of them.
Bill Kim

Everyone seems to enjoy writing articles about their top five or ten movies they loved. I spend a lot of time watching movies or using them as background noise while I do other things like read about movies, cars, or playing video games. Sometimes the movies catch my attention and I'll stop doing the other things and watch. Other times I can't even stand having them on in the background as noise. I consider myself lucky to live in this day and age where we can stream crap movies onto our televisions via the internet so I no longer have to worry about a membership at Blockbuster Video and renting something that might get chewed up in my VCR. Still, it's nice to know ahead of time that what you just clicked on might just be a horrific piece of crap. So, in no particular order, I present Five Movies That I Think Are Absolute Crap.

Day of the Dead (2008).

This terrible bag of Bandini dares use the Day of the Dead name! I was kind of jazzed to see a modern take on the old great Romero movie of the same name. Wrong! The zombies are ridiculous, instantly sprouting lesions and defying gravity by springing off of the floor and sticking to the ceiling. The very ending of the movie is basically your standard internet "Screamer Video". In terms of actors it bore fairly decent star power at the time with Ving Rhames, Mena Suvari, and Nick Cannon. Nothing could save this movie from moving into the colon though. The story is terrible, even for a low budget zombie movie.

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005)

Okay, I give up, what is a Contagium? I'm going to guess it was the writer's way of trying to make the movie sound threatening or grisly. I love zombie movies, books, and games so I'll plop up to $20 on a dvd if it's even marginally good. So clearly I actually own this piece of crap. I'm guessing they're trying to explain the events that lead to Romero's Day of the Dead or something like that since one of the taglines is,"Every Day Has A Beginning". The cover art looked pretty cool with a bloody dude shrieking and the Romero-esque font. I saw images from the movie on the internet sites and got pumped for it. Nope, it's junk. The zombies talk much like Return of the Living Dead, but unlike that movie DotD2 has no wit and looks like it was filmed with a digital camera from Best Buy. No atmosphere, everything brightly lit and a terrible story. The effects aren't that bad, but a polished turd is still a turd.

The Zombie Pack (Zombi 3, 4, and 5)

Okay, so I'm cheating here and putting three movies under one. Still, consider it 3 times the savings of your money. I bought this gem along with buying Zombie (1979) for the second time. Figuring I was getting a decent deal if even one of the movies was okay. Wow, was I mistaken. I paid $5 for a triple kick in the testicles. The effects were terrible in all three movies and the story sucked in all three movies. I can't even begin to tell you readers what the plot was in all three movies but suffice to say I left this movie pack out at work and no one took them. There was no real relation to Zombie aside from the titles.

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

I think to make this movie title they just picked a bunch of catchy words, put them in a hat, and drew two out. I bought this movie after seeing the cover and reading the back thinking that it might be the low budget awesome movie of the year. I was right on one count, it certainly was low budget. Rumored to have been made for $30,000 it shows every bit of that dollar amount even in story. It utilizes every single horror movie cliche in the book and is basically an exercise in how to make the worst movie possible. It's actually how I was introduced to the website Bloody Disgusting because I wanted to know what kind of person would call it the "Holy Grail of Independent Horror Films". It's about a military experiment gone awry and a group of pesky kids who set about trying to solve it. I had a friend who's kid wanted to start making horror movies, I gave it to him as an outline on how NOT to make a movie.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)

I guess I didn't learn with Automaton Transfusion, this movie got hyped up by the websites. A movie that tried to make itself interesting like The Blair Witch Project by making up a fictional event and being about a team of researchers trying to figure out the mystery behind it. The result is a boring, slow moving movie that makes no sense until the very end when it still makes no sense. There's an interesting death in the movie where a guy rips a girls leg off and beats her to death with it but it still makes no sense. Thankfully I saw this movie on Netflix so I didn't feel as robbed as I did with the other movies in this list.

There you have it, five movies to absolutely avoid. There's plenty more out there but I tried to put in movies that looked kind of interesting but really sucked. If you don't believe me, give these movies a try. Just don't cry to me when you're begging for 90 minutes of your life back. I'm sure everyone has their own list, please feel free to add on to mine in the comment section below and help save other people.

Latest from our Creators