Get your thigh length waders on guys, we are going on a romp through Lilo's alleged shag pile, and things could get messy.
The list, which was rooted out of the trash by the classy people at In Touch, was reportedly scribbled by Lilo with her friends in the Beverly Hilton Hotel. This precious tome is said to detail all of the famous notches on Lindsay Lohan's nobbled bedpost and is worth approximately 14 million times its weight in shock factor.
In Touch claims that all of the blacked out areas are hiding even more scorching levels of scandal, and we can't lay our common, mortal eyes on for "legal reasons". Such killjoys.
The highly reputable literary journal did give as hint at what might lie beneath the blur by saying that the list;
"could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core"
I don't know about Hollywood relationships, but the alluring whiff of potential here is rocking me to the core. This piece of paper is as frustrating as a dry wedding.
Beggars can't be choosers though. The juicy revelations that have been rationed out by the responsible, ethical hand of In Touch have made me happier than Gwyneth Paltrow a quinoa farm.
It's a tough one to call, but I have dusted off my best deerstalker to go all bargain basement Sherlock on your asses. It's tough being a gossip writer.
Case 1: Scategories... Seriously?!
My suspicious hackles instantly rose when I realised the list was scrawled on a Scattergories card. For those lucky souls who are unfamiliar with the game, this is the sort of thing Grandma would whip out at Christmas to try and get you to exercise your brain instead of your champagne guzzling abilities.
The thought of Lohan whipping 'Scattergories To Go' out of her Louis Vuitton and running through a few games with her mates is about as plausible as Charlie Sheen going straight-edge.
I know Lilo is supposedly sober now, but I am pretty sure she hasn't metamorphosed into a cardi wearing, crossword completing pensioner.
Case 2: Graphology gripes
This is Lindsay Lohan's certified scrawl, but comparing it with the list is a tough call. As somebody who had an extensive career forging my mom's writing for a plethora of excuses, I know it is pretty easy. Then again, there is no denying the similarity between the samples.
The letters are smooshed together in both examples and the letter joining patterns look to be similar, but there are also tell tale differences between the writing styles. Lindsay's Rs look like they have been started in the bottom left corner resulting in a smooth curve around the top of the letter. The R's in the 'list' however seem to have been started at the top left leading to irregular joining and jagged lines on top of the letter.
This alone would be enough for a graphologist to say the handwriting was not Lindsay's, but who knows.
Maybe Lilo wanted to write reeeeeally neatly to give a good impression in court. It always covered up a multitude of sins for me in school.
Case 3: No booze!
You would have to be absolutely slathered in liquor to write this list. We've all been there, and we all know its true. Either Lilo's sober coach is rocking back and forth, sobbing in an isolated cave somewhere, or she didn't write the list. Simple.
Case 4: Getting down and dirty doppelgängers style
Why would you even bother going through the effort of sleeping with BOTH of these dead-eyed doppelgängers? You can do better Lindsay, one would have done.
Do you guys think that this list is the raunchy real deal or a flimsy fakery? And, more importantly, which mystery lotharios could be lurking beneath those tantalizing blurs?
Lindsay's list is...