Ok folks, we have all heard the news about our favorite dusty blazered image of the silver tongue hitting the little screen. I myself was a little put back by the thought. To me my sultering hatred for Hollywood was justifiable because after seeing a 2 hour long weird anti-smoking commercial of a dream Keanu Reeves had once after getting drunk and kicked out of a comic book store by somebody with a Hellblazer shirt on and yelling "You'll see! I will Destroy ALL that you love." There was probably a "Whoa" in there somewhere but lets get back to the point at hand: How to Make Our Beloved Hellblazer into the Breaking Bad of Sci-Fi TV Shows.
- SHOW HOW BADASS/CAZY/COCKY HE IS AT MANIPULATION
John Constantine has talked the devil into self pity... I was gonna say more but...I mean for fuck sake, thats the kind of character they need to create. See, the last movie they made had one thing right, Constantine had lung cancer, the reason is (please don't get me started on that aspect of that piece of shit. He smokes ok, get over it!) is because they pulled the story from a run they did called "Dangerous Habits". Now this comic run was so badass, and so well done, they couldn't put it to film. I have an anti-smoking campaign conspiracy theory but I digress; In the comic itself, just like in the movie there was no way he could be saved (forget about the girl, not sure what happened there) and since there was no way to be saved John Constantine used his knowledge of summoning Demons and created a solution where the Devil HIMSELF healed him. Umm, let me repeat that "HE MANIPULATED THE DEVIL INTO BEING FORCED TO HEAL HIM OF CANCER." But He didn't do so by killing himself, but by selling his soul to 3 different Demon lords, knowing that they would fight over him the devil healed him... but not without a bit of pain.
And then right after, what does he do? Eh? He lights a Cigarette, turns, and gives the lords of hell the finger. These guys are the lords of hell, they are not human, they are eternal, and John Constantine just smiles and gives them the finger.
Now that's a character we should be able to all stand behind.
- NEVER EVER EVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO THIS!
BRING BACK THE OLD SCHOOL MAGIC
Everything doesn't have to be clean. John Constantine has seen some shit, went to hell, smoked a cigarette, and gotten over it. See he's not all flash and spirit rays, he is ancient tombs and symbols. Ancient rights, holy symbols of dead gods. He doesn't throw lightning bolts, he draws circles of protection, uses divination and magic mushroom spirit walks to find things out. That's the way it should be. Shit you could do the whole thing and save the CGI for small subtle shit like reality itself bending, but not because he has a gun but because he is a master of willpower.
Now only does he know how to manipulate reality through belief and magic, he is a conman. He has the skills of the best pickpocket, the charm of the best confidence man, and the balls to not be deterred by a damnation he most certainly knows exists.
- FOR GOD SAKE LEAVE A LOVE INTEREST OUT OF IT
Constantine is NOT a ladies man. Sure he can get some action, but he gets it in the same way James Bond gets it. Why? Because the instant he does they will be killed in a plethora of horrible ways, brought back to life, and killed again right in front of him just so he would see it. It would hurt him, he is no psychopath, but he wouldn't show the villain that it did. He would light a cigarette, blow the smoke in their face, and then spend the rest of the story making sure that the villain in question was manipulated into either killing themselves or having someone else owe him a favor just to see that the villain is tortured or their worst fear is realized. There would be no worry, no sadness, just all out ass kicking, John petting one power against the other until the girls soul was safe, but if it involved him dying he would bolt. That's John Constantine, he is not a hero, he's a opportunist. So the only way a love interest would be involved would be if he was getting information out of her and she couldn't be used against him. Kinda like the lady demon he bangs on the side in the comic.
- IT'S EITHER THE NOIR OR NOTHING
Something I hope they keep in mind of the film making process is that this is a detective story. Hes the Samuel Spade of the Supernatural, not a Ghostbuster. There is no need to have a rudimentary storyline where he gets a call on the Bat-phone and heads off to save the day. Its should be a slow start, a minute detail here, a flag there, and then a small case. That small case should throw him under Midnight's radar or something and the whole time Constantine is clueless and then after they push his buttons he pushes back revealing an opportunity to be a badass and to either profit or deny someone powerful something out of spite. But each time it should drag him darker and darker, deeper and deeper, until the last episode where he barely pulls it off and a side character dies. Not as an accident, but because he had to sacrifice them to save himself, or because the ritual needed one. BAM! I just wrote the first season. Either way, there needs to be plenty of mystery and extremely dark magic being attempted. For TV they should probably leave hell alone, because lets face it, if you have ever seen the hell within the Constantine comic.... it is a little worse than fire and a couple of half-headed stick figures walking around.
In conclusion people, all I wanna see is one of the best characters I have ever read get a fair shot on at least TV. I want him to have a silver tongue and make demons flee at his mere presence. But hey, according to the news, at least we have Chas!
Thanks for reading!