In quite possibly the smuggest announcement in the history of breakups, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have revealed their decision to divorce. Or, if you are above that word, as Gwyn and Chris clearly think they are, consciously uncouple.
Boosting the internet traffic at Castle Goopskull by over 8000 percent and crashing her own website, Paltrow announced on her eye-wateringly elitist blog that;
It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner."
The entry entitled 'conscious uncoupling' was paired with a sugary mountain of comforting pseudoscience by Dr Habib Sadeghi and Dr Sherry Sami. Luckily for us mere mortals, this altruistic entry helps us to understand how Paltrow and Martin's divorce will be much more civilised than that of the common pleb. Oh, and that the whole messy divorce muddle has absolutely nothing to do with their deteriorating relationship. It's society's fault don't you know! We live longer these days!
I'm all for a good old-fashioned divorce, but this desperate attempt to explain away any personal responsibility for it makes me feel queasy. Not one to make a habit of descending from her golden throne of self righteousness, Gwyneth Paltrow can't just admit that the marriage had gradually turned to crap as marriages are prone to do. She instead feels the need to leap onto her high horse and educate us all about how divorce is almost inevitable for all of us, even the high priestess Goop herself.
So remember guys, divorce isn't a life changing event that is a universal acknowledgement of a catastrophic relationship breakdown. It is just a nifty way we can grow a "divine endoskeleton" of strength and gain wholeness in separation... Silly me!
This divorce does make me sad in some obscure ways though. Have you ever heard the phrase about annoying couples effectively saving two other people? Now this pair are free to inflict themselves on other unsuspecting souls and I'm a little afraid to sleep tonight, knowing that somewhere out there Chris Martin is looking for a new mate. Spine chilling stuff.
What do you guys think about the end of this Hollywood union? Are you so happy you could Goop, or do you feel a bit gooped out by the whole thing?