Okay, so plenty of actors made mediocre movies to get their careers started. It’s just how it goes. This list, however, is about those times when stars decided to be in something below their abilities. Perhaps the flicks looked good on paper or the actor just loved the theme, but the sum of the parts simply didn’t jive. Still, kudos for trying!
My guess is almost no one who has seen this film ever talks about it. Even Wikipedia has nothing more than a synopsis and plot list. The memories are painful, but I’ll suck it up. What happens when Luke Wilson, Denise Richards and Ben Affleck team up with a guy who made a country version of Spinal Tap? This piece of trash. Luke Wilson hits a homeless guy with his car and can’t seem to ditch him. That’s it. Miramax held onto it for three years and released it one slow summer. It’d be cool if Affleck was at least the homeless guy, but he’s just a tag-along on the date, hence the title.
Give an inexperienced director $6 million dollars and a ripped dude and what do you get? Matthew McConaughey as a stoner with his shirt off in every scene. As a bonus, he throws his butt into the mix. Inherently, that attracts Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson and the rest, well, makes the studio weep. It’s like Cheech without any Chong. That equals a $5.95 million loss.
Let’s just run with the Matthew McConaughey movies. Chances are you heard Daniel Tosh rip on this one, but it’s too fun to pass up. Matthew McConaughey may star, but Gary Oldman used it as a prime opportunity to embarrass himself...by becoming a little dude. All he does is kneel and tuck his arms back. Dwarf sex is added for good measure.
So he’s not a superstar anymore and this movie got a 6.3 on IMDb, but it’s still a failure, recuperating barely 10% of its $5 million budget. Frankly, I didn’t like it. The only element of fun was seeing Culkin in drag alongside Seth Green. Dylan McDermott, Chloe Sevigny, Marilyn Manson and John Stamos are also there to see at their lowest. It’s a simple parody of club culture and the DVD is no longer in print. Netflix, however, tends to keep it in their catalog.
This one got 3 Razzies in 2013 and starred Elizabeth Banks, Steve Carr,Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Halle Berry, Gerard Butler, Anna Faris, Hugh Jackman, Johnny Knoxville, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloë Grace Moretz, Seann William Scott, Emma Stone, and Kate Winslet. Let that sink in. It’s all about finding secret tapes on the internet, leading to a bunch of short stories and eventual armageddon. It made no sense, but I’ll admit I actually enjoyed seeing Hugh Jackman with balls growing from his chin.
Dammit, Ben! Quit making me include you! Back when J Lo and Benny boy were an item, they went and had the director of Beverly Hills Cop make a movie with them. Affleck plays a mediocre mobster and Lopez plays a lesbian hired to watch over him as they kidnap a mental deficient. I had great fun watching this with my parents when it came out in 2003. There’s nothing like being a teen and enduring 12 minutes of Jennifer Lopez explaining why she’s a lesbian, pretending you weren’t listening to a word of it. I do give points to the movie for select bits of humor, but not Al Pacino’s cameo. The budget of $75 million only gained back $7 million.
Adam Sandler is known for putting out hit-and-miss comedies, but this movie is an embarrassment even for him. It has essentially almost made back its budget of $79 million. Regretfully, Al and his fake beard will be the second most memorable part to anyone who saw this film. The first is Johnny Depp in a Justin Bieber shirt.
A 17% approval rate on Rotten Tomatoes with Jack Nicholson in the lead is a sign of the apocalypse. He plays a dog trainer blackmailed into stealing a manuscript. I guess it’s a romantic comedy, but Nicholson as a serious love interest didn’t work, nor did the plot. Just watch As Good As It Gets and call it done.
Despite plot holes galore, this one made $52 million off a $23 million budget. That’s the power of a blockbuster license, even when attached to pure garbage. Michael Caine may just be the plane pilot in this, but he also delivers nonsensical lines about the shark hunting down he Brody family as revenge. Combine that with banana rafts, plot holes, characters randomly surviving and just poor cinematography and you get this junk. Sadly, Jaws 2 and 3 were already out for Caine to see, so I don’t know why he hopped on this sinking ship of a franchise.
We all know Malcolm is taking everything that comes his ways these days. Granted, he can’t know how a movie will turn out in the end, but he’s signed onto ten projects this year already. Before scoffing, know 7 of them, one being a short, are already in post. Tank Girl is about a bounty hunter whose first words were “cauliflower penis.” Aside from the mutated kangaroos, every character is flat. That includes Malcolm and his torturing ways.