SPOILER WARNING! MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING! If you haven't seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones, titled The Lion and the Rose, then you seriously need to get off this article, avoid the wider internet in general and get the episode in your eyeballs as soon as possible. Spoilerers are swarming all over the net and this latest episode is one you really don't want spoiling.
OK, now that is out of the way, we can get down to business. Yes, as we all saw in last week's Game of Thrones, Joffrey of the Houses Baratheon and Lannister, the First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm is no more. He has ceased to be. He has expired and gone to meet his maker. He is an ex-King.
Joffrey was killed at his wedding feast surrounded by many of the major players in Game of Thrones. Fans who haven't read the books will no doubt be trying to figure out 'who-dunnit', and the investigation hasn't been helped by many of the cast members admitting they wanted him dead. They even all had their own sadistic ways of carrying it out. Seriously, some of them are really messed up...
Vulture asked the cast at the Season 4 premiere how various cast members would kill off Joffrey. Here's what they said:
Charles Dance (Tywin Lannister)
There are endless ways of killing Joffrey! I would have smothered him, I think. Not a particularly messy thing to do, just get it out of the way. He’s like an annoying mosquito, you know?
Sophie Turner (Sansa Stark)
How would I have done it? I would have done everything he's done to me and my family. So I would murder him in many ways. I'd have to cut off his head, too many times. And draw a smiley face on every part of his body that I cut off. Make him look at it. Here's your foot! With a smiley face on it! And sew wolf parts back on, like a wolf hand. Then he's a wolfman. And strip him naked and fire at him with a crossbow. He doesn't get to keep any essential parts. Castrate him, too. Castrate all the men in this program! There's too much sex going on!
Pedro Pascal (Oberyn Martell)
I would throw him into an orgy, and have a bunch of people fuck him to death. He could die happy. He’d enjoy it at first, but only up to a point.
Finn Jones (Ser Loras Tyrell)
Brienne does this great killing in season three, where she gets a sword and just slowly penetrates the guy's anus. I'd like to do that. Actually, what am I talking about? That's gross! I'd strangle him. I think I'd like to strangle him with my toes, and then whilst I'm strangling him with my toes, I'd like to gouge out his eyes. Do you know what? I love Jack. Jack is a dear friend of mine. But I'd like to do that to Joffrey. I want to get in there. I want to feel him die.
Gwendoline Christie (Brienne of Tarth)
I’d just dehydrate him. You don’t give him anything, and let the body do its work. And that’s really simple, simple and quiet. And effective. But it might be a long, slow death, if you just give him a little bit of water, and then reduce it slowly, so eventually you're just giving him half a drop and not allowing him to die. [Laughs.]
Rose Leslie (Ygritte)
I think poison, probably. Is that a woman's weapon? I don't know any poisons, though!
Isaac Hempstead-Wright (Bran Stark)
I don't want to kill Joffrey! People hate him too much. He's pretty horrible, but, I mean, he's an interesting guy. I don't think he should live, but I don't think he should be tortured and tortured. Just a painful death, but not too horrible. Maybe cyanide? It's quick.
Alfie Allen (Theon Greyjoy)
Burning in acid, that's what I'd do. Put him in a pot of acid, and just let him melt.
Sibel Kekilli (Shae)
A sword. Just cut his throat.
Dean Charles Chapman (Tommen Baratheon)
The way I’d want to do it, [I'd] grab a knife and stab him three times. That’s how I’d do it. But I don't think Tommen would have the heart. I don’t think he’s got the courage.
Carice van Houten (Melisandre)
I would probably have another shadow baby to kill him, but I wouldn't do it myself. I wouldn’t get dirty. It would be interesting if his mother did it. I would like that as a story line, just to see the inside family-killing dynamic, because they’re very close.
Conleth Hill (Varys)
I would never kill him. I would never kill anyone. I would get someone else to do it for me.
Maisie Williams (Arya Stark)
The way Arya thinks of killing people, it doesn't have to be a crazy way. If you're dead, you're dead. It's more humiliating like if you just choked on a nacho. But I don't want Joffrey to die, because he makes such an interesting story, do you know what I mean? Arya might beg to differ. She would go all Breaking Bad and throw acid on his body, and make it all epic and crazy.
John Bradley (Samwell Tarly)
I would have impaled him on the Iron Throne, as a warning to any future occupiers. You'd be a constant reminder. You know the way Vlad the Impaler lined the streets with people just to send a warning? I'd think I'd do that to Joffrey, as a warning to any future leaders about behaving that way. It's got to mean something. It's got to be symbolic somehow.
Kristian Nairn (Hodor)
I’d hug him to death. But Hodor is a nice guy. He doesn’t have a bad thought in his head. But Joffrey's a little shit, you know? But it won't be the same show without him. He’s such a brilliant villain.
Wow. What a bunch of sadists! Sure, Joffrey was pretty evil, but jeez, some of these guys might need to get some counselling or something.
What do you think? Are you glad or sorry to see Joffrey bereft of life? Also why not join in the blood orgy and tell us how you'd knock him off below?