Damn, I better start saving to have my Lilo Jesus tattoo lazered off immediately! Everyone's favourite Hollywood hurricane of adderall and alcoholism seems to be going the way of the Bieber and insulting everyone. When your publicist said 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' this isn't what they meant, Lindsay!
In an interview with the world renowned KODE magazine (sarcasm fully intended), the ferocious freckled fireball was spouting out torrents of insanity from every conceivable orifice. Some of the perfectly reasonable topics discussed were JLaw whoring her way to the top, Lilo possibly being preggers and making a Shazam for clothes.
KODE magazine also threw in some absolutely side-splitting descriptions of the fallen star for good measure. My personal favourite being;
Lohan is something of a butterfly, beautiful in sight but complicated and sporadic in nature
Translation: Lohan has nice hair, but she is repeatedly bashing herself into a glass window over and over again without ever seeming to learn from her mistakes.
Clearly, Lilo needs to sit down and work on Oprah's calming technique of;
Chanting “Peace begins within me" while tapping her index, middle, ring and little finger onto her thumb one by one
Because her face should be etched next to the dictionary description of 'bitter'.
Clearly it hasn't escaped Lilo's notice that she has blown it in the industry. Let's just say I can see the toxic green plumes of her jealousy toward her contemporaries from here.
When questioned about America's golden sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, Lilo was less than complimentary. In what I can only imagine was a throaty, nicotine scented hiss Lilo explained that JLaw is;
So fake and, I'm sorry but I'm not going to f**k for roles
Meow! Alas larey Lilo didn't elaborate on her conspiracy theories about JLaw boning her way to the top, but she did have more to say about a certain Oscar winner's sex life. With her, naturally. When questioned about Jared 'Hipster Jesus' Leto, Lilo said that;
All my friends love Jared, we've been on and off for years
Never one to kiss and tell, when Lohan was asked if Leto was "good in bed" she discretely opened her demure, understated lips and said;
If this all sounds like the confused ramblings of a drunk person to you, you're probably right. According to KODE, lil' red rager spent most of her time with them chugging down vodka on the rocks and spitting in the face of her supposed sobriety.
In fact, maybe Lohan has spent so much time wobbling around like Paula Abdul that she has forgotten what the fetid stirrings of a hungover stomach feel like. Apparently the actress told KODE that;
She (Lohan) thinks she has had morning sickness for the past few days and may in fact be pregnant by her current beau who she left in London
Whoa there Lindsay!
Despite the magazine having Lilo plastered all over the cover, I am inclined to think this interview might not be 100 percent kosher. The peppering of terrible spelling mistakes (Jared Letto?!) don't exactly ooze credibility and the rapid fire bursts of Linsanity seem too good to be true.
If she is really this cray cray, look carefully at the next flash of red you see by a dumpster. It will probably be a common fox, but who know's, it might just be a feral Lindsay chewing on the rancid bones of her career.
Do you think Lohan is really this desperate for publicity?