It's rarely surprising for me when I finally sit down and watch a movie that a bunch of people are splooshing their shorts over, and find that I spend the entirety of the film rolling my eyes. However, when I actually want to like the movie, the Liz Lemon eye rolls are massively disappointing.
So, when I excitedly curled up with my dog, a mug full of spiked coffee, and Douglas Aarniokoski's Nurse 3D, and my ocular muscles were exhausted inside of an hour, I couldn't have been more bummed. Because I wanted to love Nurse. Instead, I mostly hated it.
The Plot: According to the description, Nurse is about Nurse Abby Russell (Paz de la Huerta), a dedicated life saver during the day and an avenging angel by night. Disgusted with men who cheat on their wives and families, she takes to the streets to right their wrongs by seducing them and then, offing them. However, when new nurse Dani (Katrina Bowden) begins to suspect Abby is a wacko, she must find a way to protect her secret.
Based on that description alone, I was stoked. Despite the fact that Paz de la Huerta seems like the kind of chick that would get lost looking for the bathroom in her own apartment, I thought perhaps her... minimalist "Keanu Reeves" approach to acting might suit the role. And a woman who slices and dices her way through cheaters? Well, hot damn! That's a Revenge Honey-approved hobby if there ever was one. Except... Basically, the description of the film was a con job.
The majority of the film is devoted to Abby's unexplained romantic obsession with Dani. If your idea of romance is getting a friend drunk, drugging her, letting a stranger rape her, and then raping her yourself, that is. Because yes kids, even if you're both women, drugging a girl and taking advantage of her sexually is not hot; it's rape. Then when Dani, justifiably, becomes terrified of Abby, Abby devotes her free time to ruining Dani's life. Why? Because Dani is a bad friend.
Let that sink in for a few minutes.
Now, before anyone calls me a humorless bitch, or something equally trite, I have a sick sense of humor. But also, as someone who has been on the Dani-side of a psychotic female stalker who also tried to make my life hell for being a "bad friend," I can attest, there is nothing mildly humorous about this situation. It's just scary. And that is the main problem I had with Nurse. This was a film I was desperate to like, because the character of Abby could have led to a franchise based around an ass-kicking woman who gave men the business for being bastards. Instead, it just devolved into the typical crazy chick, pseudo-lesbian shaming bullshit that most of these movies turn into. And I wanted so much better from it.
That's not to say there weren't high points. The acting of the supporting cast was fun, the direction was beautiful, and the editing was excellent. I enjoyed the soundtrack thoroughly as well. But unfortunately, Paz de la Huerta is so monotone and so dead-faced that I couldn't pay attention to much else but her inability to emote. Add to that a final blood-soaked scene where Abby goes mental on a hospital full of innocent bystanders and I found it nearly impossible to have even the slightest bit of affection for the character.
And for the record, makers of Nurse 3D, no woman, ANYWHERE, would get out of bed naked, put on a bra, but not put on underwear. That makes no sense and you are losing a full point for it.
Rating: 1 and 1/2 out of 5 Dead-Faced Actresses