Have you ever watched the trailer for a film and known, within seconds, that there was a 99.9% chance you were going to despise it? But perhaps you prefer to give movies the benefit of the doubt, so you decide to watch it anyway. And then, much to your surprise, you discover that you were totally wrong!
That should have been a hard 100% based on the trailer and you need to start trusting your instincts.
This was my experience with Mark Jones' Scorned (2013.) Now you'd think with a resume that includes works as auspicious as Leprechaun, an episode of A.L.F., and The Scooby and Scrappy Doo Puppy Hour, this man was made for a future in revenge cinema. And kids, you'd be just as wrong as he was. I have never, in my life, wanted so badly to track someone down and beat them over the head with their own movie while screaming, "NO! HOT! BAD!"
Starring Billy Zane, Anna Lynne McCord, and some brunette chick who looks like Catherine Keener but with no personality, I am fully prepared to go on record as calling Scorned the worst movie I've seen in 2014. Yup. I'm calling it now.
Ms. McCord plays a crazy chick (we know she's crazy right away because she has fake PINK streaks in her hair! DANGEROUS!) who finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her with her best friend. Billy Zane is the boyfriend, and spends the bulk of the first half of the film chewing on cigars like a third-rate Telly Savalis with an oral fixation. She tortures them for cheating. Blah blah blah. There is a subplot with an escaped convict covered in gang tats, but who the eff cares. I sure didn't.
Additionally, if there is anyone out there who has ever actually uttered the words, "You scorned me!" to another human being, please tweet me. I will personally send you some sort of gift. Because as far as I can tell, this film does not understand the way real people talk. And McCord says "you scorned me" no less than three frigging times. (Maybe they were trying to remind me what movie I was watching?) The script for this movie rivals The Room for most awkward, nonsensical dialogue ever put to paper. I would assume that it was written by someone who speaks English as a second language, but Jones is from California. I can't speak for co-writer Sadie Katz.
And the music. OH THE MUSIC! I was beginning to think it was some kind of joke. Every song in the film sounds like it's being sung into a Talkboy by a bunch of preteens in their bedroom pretending to be a girl group. I am absolutely baffled how anyone could hear whatever horsecrap was soundtracking this movie and think, "BINGO! THIS IS JUST WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR!" They could have played clips of cats screeching and it would have had the exact same effect.
Oh, and offensive. It is SO unbearably offensive that it actually hurts. Even if we just go ahead and discount the fact that it is blatantly sexist and misogynist, it doesn't even TRY to pretend it is original. Why you may ask, am I getting so worked up about originality? THEY RIPPED OFF STEPHEN EFFING KING! This movie didn't just feature a "hobbling" scene, but it actually had the nerve to reference Misery while it did so. Scorned was SO incapable of originality, it had to actually steal from the work of King and straight up admit it in the script. One point for not being a plagiarist I suppose.
I have watched a LOT of crap in my life. But Scorned is the WORST pile of shit I have EVER seen. Ever. My hand to the great lizard overlord, Godzilla, I would rather watch Manos: The Hands of Fate without Riff Trax than watch this movie again. I would rather watch every Saw movie back to back with NO breaks than watch ten minutes of Scorned again. If I can prevent just one person from watching this movie, than maybe it was worth it. But if you see a girl on a street corner, lighting a copy of Scorned on fire while screaming, "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU," well... Just keep walking.
Rating: Take every point I have ever given to any other film and subtract that total. And then subtract about 50 more. You might get SOMEWHERE in the vicinity.