ByEnchantinglyStabby, writer at
Revenge Honey at (@horrorhoneys), @linnieloowho on twitter, horror addict, comic book fanatic, writer, suspicious of peo

It's always fun when you start a film, and within ten minutes, can make a list of the different groups of people who are epically offended in that short amount of time. We aren't talking jokey, "let's make fun of everyone because it's cool" offensive: this is genuine offensive s*^t. So, before I give the plot of horror "film" Knock Knock (I apologize in advance for all of the snarky quotations, but they are necessary), here is the list of people crapped on by this movie:

  • Minorities
  • People with Autism or general mental disabilities
  • Women
  • Female police officers who actually work for respect
  • People who read
  • People struggling to get a movie funded when THIS garbage got a sequel
  • The Doors (just because)
  • People who tell knock knock jokes

Alright, so the vague plot here has something to do with the son of an undertaker, the local high school asses who are means to him, and then more local high school asses who are the target of revenge for... something. I really don't know. It makes no sense and ten minutes into the movie, the "class clown" character has made a really insensitive racial remark after the only black guy in their group has died (first). And he's not even the next one to die, so well done encouraging causal racism you screenwriting jacks.

Bone of Contention: This abortion of a movie was made in 2007, so the writers of the "script" had access to the Internet. But lets for one minute pretend they didn't. Lets pretend they funneled all of their budget into hiring "actors" and had no money left to even afford good, old-fashioned dial-up AOL. There are these things called "encyclopedias" that exist in a magical place called the... ready? LIBRARY! It's totally free to look at them and all you have to do is ask the nice person behind the counter for a pretty library card to get in.

Beautiful books! As far as the eye can see!
Beautiful books! As far as the eye can see!

Let's continue to my point by sharing the following line from Knock Knock.

Dumbass Deputy: I just thought he was a weirdo.
Trashy Female Detective: That's what they said about Ted Bundy.

Now, a simple trip to the magical library would have provided these writers with a more apt serial killer for their little analogy. Perhaps John Wayne Gacy, or maybe Ed Gein, or Jeffrey Freaking Dahmer. But no, these "writers" had to pick Ted Bundy, the one serial killer known to lure his victims in with his charm and powers of seduction. Ted Bundy was a charismatic psychopath, but no, lets just name off the one serial killer name EVERYONE in the writing room actually knew and go with that. Research is for nerds, and nerds aren't writing THIS movie.

Add 75 Epic Sighs, which are the reverse of Stabby Points

The mask is cool. But is he holding a dead cat?
The mask is cool. But is he holding a dead cat?

One Non-Crap Element: The makeup effects in this "movie" were done by Tate Steinsiek (known for competing on the SyFy show Face Off) and they're not bad. They're actually the only thing that made this movie even remotely entertaining. So, good on for him walking out of this movie with his dignity intact, while everyone else involved should be rounded up and beaten with wire hangers by a drag queen dressed like Joan Crawford.

Add One Stabby Point for Tate's makeup

I could sit here and go on all day about the writing and the acting and the terrible, ATROCIOUS, AWFUL, OMFG WHAT WAS THIS BLURHFJFSHD THINKING editing, but really, you get the point. Don't watch this movie. Just. Don't. And if you already have? Please accept my apologies on behalf of the people involved, even though I had nothing to do with its creation. Seeing as there was a sequel, they obviously don't have the good sense to feel guilty for making this celluloid nightmare to begin with.

But this. THIS Is awesome. So there is always that.
But this. THIS Is awesome. So there is always that.

Rating: Plus one for Tate, minus 75 epic sighs, throw in a few gut punches for wasting my time, and we are at about -103 Stabby Points


Latest from our Creators