It's about time a good scandal came crawling out out of the Beyhive, but who would have guessed that lil' Solange would get to lead the show for once!
When Jay-Z sung about his "99 Problems" back in 2004, I'm sure he wasn't envisioning one of them being his sister-in-law going full Jackie Chan on his ass in an elevator. But, that is exactly what happened after the Met Gala last week.
Thankfully for us shameless gossip vultures, some poor underpaid hotel clerk saw the dollar signs flashing before their eyes when they viewed this elevator footage and sold it to the tabloid devils.
So, screw all of those unreliable 'sources close to' and watch the scene as it unfolded in the astonishing footage below;
I always thought that Solange was the chilled out, afro-wearing, hippy version of Beyonce, who secretly burned effigies of her sister in the basement on a Saturday night for fun. How wrong I was.
We don't get gossip like this everyday, so I think it's only fair I deliver a true homage. Lets all dig into my top 4 moments of Solange's spectacular rage stroke.
1. Not in the Jay-Zs!
Seeing Jay-Z repeatedly shielding his tender balls from a reign of stiletto-clad blows is something I never thought I would witness. It's so nice to see your vulnerable side, dawg!
2. The Arctic desert of attention starvation - AKA Beyonce
I initially interpreted Beyonce's composition as her freezing on the spot to remain invisible to the rabid predator in her wake. That money-making face needs protecting! On second inspection, I was totally wrong about this.
I have a puppy at the moment and Beyonce is just being a good trainer and ignoring any bad behaviour. I can totally imagine the Knowles family all silently eating their mashed potato in protest as Solange shreds the curtains like a Scottish Wild Cat.
Maybe Solange pulls these kray moves all the time and Queen B is totally past it. Or, maybe Beyonce is an evil robot.
I am inclined to think that Bey is more insane that her sister though. I mean, she did use to let her Mum style her in outfits like THIS... Don't think we don't remember, Beyonce.
3. Gawp stopper
The Knowles' have trained their security guard well to maintain the fantasy fortress of their perfect family life. The effort expended to wrestle Solange away from face-hugging Jay-Z is minimal compared to his clawing desperation to hit the emergency stop button.
Nobody can blow the cover off Beyonce's perfect life, and if they all have to die of starvation stuck in an elevator, then so be it.
4. Jay-Z reacts to crazy
A picture paints a thousand words.
Who knows what happened at Solange-Gate 2014, but I would eat my own toes for this video to have audio. Can you imagine?!
What do you think went on to cause such an epic scene in the Met Gala elevator?