“Cool...my very own Terminator.” - John Conner
Since first hearing that line in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, I’ve often contemplated what I'd do if I had my own killer cyborg programmed to obey my every command. The Conner family used him to try and prevent a war which would exterminate mankind...a noble, selfless goal, and if I were in John’s shoes, I probably would have gotten around to saving the world, too...eventually.
In the meantime, why not use this awesome, futuristic hunk of malevolent technology to make my own life a little easier? For example, if I had my own Terminator:
- That guy on the cell phone in the car ahead would be making his last call...ever.
- The divorce from my first wife would have been quicker...and cheaper.
- No waiting in line at Starbucks.
"I'd like two Super Bowl tickets please, right on the fifty-year line, and I do not wish pay for them. No? Arnold...kill this man."
- I'd go to my next class reunion and exact revenge on that douchebag jock who used to pick on me for no reason whatsoever.
- The two of us would pay the I.R.S. a visit and do a little audit of our own.
- I’d save a lot more than 15% on my car insurance.
“My offer for this 2013 Mustang is...lemme see...I got forty-three bucks in my wallet. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
- I’d ride 'bitch' on his Harley because I still don’t know how to ride a motorcycle.
- All my school loans would be immediately forgiven.
- Free gas for life...or else.
- Walgreens would accept my insurance card, even if I didn’t bring it with me.
- I could borrow his sunglasses whenever I lost mine (which is often).
- Those two big slobbering dogs my neighbor lets outside so they can bark all goddamn night? Dead.
- My own dog would stop pissing on the carpet by the front door...one way or another.
“Mr. Limbaugh? I was wondering if you’d do me a solid and shut the fuck up for the rest of your hateful life. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
Firefly wouldn't have been canceled. American Idol would have been.
- That lady in front of me at the check-out line with a coupon-stuffed envelope would wisely decide to redeem them another time.
- My kids would clean their rooms now, not when they feel like it.
“Yeah, I know I didn’t grab a Fast-Pass earlier, but I’d like to ride Space Mountain right now, anyway. No? Arnold...kill this man.”
- As a professional educator who teaches middle school in the real world, it pains me to say this, but some children would be left behind...permanently.
- I'd finally win an occasional argument with my wife (well, maybe...she's pretty scary when she‘s mad, even for a Terminator).
- We could have prevented Terminator: Salvation from being made.
- Mr. Bieber, would you please go back to Canada and never come back? No? Arnold...kill this snot-nosed little bastard."
What would you do with your own Terminator?