So, the trailer for 'The Expendables 3' came out today and the little shred of a man within me was over joyed by it. And with the trailer, we finally seen some stuff that is new to the Expendable franchise such as teen "not-as-big-as-that-shitty-excuse-of-an-actor-Robert-Pattinson" heartthrob, Kellan Lutz (personally, I like Kellan Lutz; I think he has great potential as an actor) and the first non-testicular Expendable, Ronda Rousey. And with Ronda's inclusion, it got me thinking of who I would want in the untitled female Expendables movie, with fan-titled 'The Expendabelles." My cast is pretty much like a lot of others castings because there is not a lot of female action stars. So, without further ado, my cast.
Filling in Sylvester Stallone's spot as team leader:
Sigourney Weaver. Come on, she is the female Stallone. A seasoned vet in action movies, didn't age terribly but not well like Brad Pitt who still looks like he is in his early 30s. Sigourney has proven through multiple Alien movies and others that she can hold her own against people like Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger. Watching her in James Cameron's 'Avatar' as the one character that would ask a question and if the answer isn't what she was looking for, she would chop your pee-pee off and shove it up your nose.
This next female is not an ugly women by any means of the imagination and, who I think should be in the Statham team slot:
Angelina Jolie. If you don't think Angie is a badass, you deserve to be beaten! Like Weaver, Jolie is another fan favorite for this upcoming franchise. If 'The Expendabelles' has the same type of construct as 'Mr. And Mrs. Smith', pure action movie with comedy thrown in, I think Angelina would be the show stealer.
Some might find this racist, but it was not my intention! They both have similar action movie qualities! Jet Li's female counterpart:
Lucy Liu. I'm replacing one Asian actor with another, I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks seeing Lucy with a M-4 Carbine killing extras who are only getting paid like 50 bucks for filming for 10 hours. Plus, we all love Lucy, right? I love Lucy. Do you, Desi Arnaz? What? Too soon? It has been 28 years! He's dead! Get over it!
Now that we know Desi Arnaz has been dead for a while, let's talk about Randy Couture's female replacement:
Hopefully she doesn't die in 'The Expendables 3', Ronda Rousey is the perfect replacement for the former UFC Heavyweight Champion. If I'm correct, TE3 is her first movie so my judgement on her acting is very limited.
Next on this list is Terry Crews' replacement:
Michelle Rodriguez has the same type of presence on screen as Terry Crews, she can be very serious when need be and can be funny as hell when wanting. I'll be honest, Michelle isn't ugly.
I'm pretty sure some one will question this but Dolph Lundgren's replacement:
Everyone's first Wonder Woman pick, Gina Carano. It might just be me but I can see Gina playing the very moody, kinda psychotic member of the Expendabelles.
Now that we got the main team out of the way, let's talk about the allies. First off, Bruce Willis:
The Princess that could stand toe-to-toe with Wonder Woman, Lucy Lawless. Willis and Lawless (See what I did there? They rhymed), are both mega badasses in Hollywood. If you haven't at least watched 1 episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, (you don't have to like it, I get it, everything isn't for everyone) you don't get the right to be a female action star supporter.
On to Schwarzenegger:
If Linda Hamilton isn't in this franchise, I'm giving up on it WAY before it starts! Linda is the Godmother of Action! T1 & T2! Uh, sign me up for more Linda action! Arnold is the Godfather while Linda is the Godmother. Is there another reason why Linda is perfect for Arnold's replacement?
Let's talk about The Norris Replacement. Yeah, Norris is so badass that he gets his own movement:
Uma Thurman. The closet thing to a female Chuck Norris. But no one can be Chuck Norris besides Walker, Texas Ranger.
Onto the Vilain's, wait, dammit! I forgot Jean-Claude Van Damme was named after that noun. While we are on JCVD, let's talk his replacement real quick:
Not a whole lot of female actors have the same abilities as JCVD so I went with someone that is still a badass, Milla Jovovich. I haven't seen Milla as a villain and the thought of it seems REALLY interesting.
Eric Roberts, the old man no one really cared about because Stone Cold Steve Austin was hogging the spotlight but his replacement would have to be:
Carla Gugino. I have really enjoyed her work. She isn't the best actor in Hollyhood (Tom Hanks). But she is FAR from being the worst (Kristen Stewart). I can see her being an international CIA drug lord.
I did mention Steve Austin a little while back, literally. For his female counterpart:
Beth "Phoenix" Carolan. Former WWE Divas Champion & built like a non-pornstar Chyna. The only thing is, is that Beth isn't an actor. But having her acting debut be in something like this would help her continue her acting career if wanted.
Since TE3 isn't out yet & all I've seen is a trailer, I don't have Mel "Jew Hater" Gibson's replacement. So, let's continue with characters that could come & go like Liam Hemsworth in 'The Expendables 2'.
The REAL Expendables
Since I did talk about Liam, might as well talk about his replacement first:
Jennifer Lawrence. Is she a MAJOR action star? No, but she does have some experience in that department through The Hunger Games franchise & the X-Men prequel movies. Plus, all Liam really had going into TE2 was Hunger Games 1. The rest are practically romance movies.
Another Expendabelle could absolutely be:
Katee Sackhoff. Would I like to see her be in more than one Expendabelles movie? Sure. But I don't really care if she dies as long as it is a total badass send out. Like, for comedic purposes, men dressed in Stormtrooper outfits kill her. Yeah, I know she is from Battlestar Galactica. But the idea of the writers making a "Star Wars is better than you" joke would be funny. I think it's time to announce that I hate, I HATE, Star Wars ever since Lucas royally butt-banged us fans in the prequels. Sorry my nerd kind, but I don't fight for Wars... I fight for Trek.
This next Expendable is a really big iffy but I like it:
Piper Perabo. If this movie was being made like 5+ years ago, Piper wouldn't of made it anywhere near this list. But since her show Covert Affairs came out, she has shown she can handle the action scenes decently well. To be honest, I can see Piper Perabo being in this franchise more than Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Speaking of Gellar, this next one, I have really high hopes for:
Eliza Dushku. It's Eliza Dushku. If you're a Whedon man, like myself, then you know that Eliza can hang with the big boys & girls. That is all I have to say about Eliza.
Everyone wants this sexy beast:
Kate Beckinsale. Her work speaks for itself.
Every man's wet dream at one point in their life:
Scarlett Johansson. We've seen how she handles action through IM2, Avengers & The Winter Soldier. And soon we will see her in Sci-Fi/Action 'Lucy' in July. So, I'm gonna go out on a limb & say she can do fabulously.
We've seen her in Spartacus, we've seen her play Ra's al Ghul's daughter in Arrow:
Katrina Law. Like Beckinsale, don't need to say too much. She speaks for herself.
Also from Arrow:
Caity Lotz. Through Arrow she has gained a good size fanbase that can & will demand Caity have a roll in the franchise. And I have no disagreements. Caity is very skilled in the fighting styles she has learned & works very well against others she works with.
This last one is partly because I'm just a big fan of hers:
Chloe Grace Moretz. Chloe has fight training because of the Kick-Ass franchise & has done some of her own stunts since she was a little girl. She has starpower & acting ability to make almost any shitty actor look decent. Because of Kick-Ass, she has cemented herself as a badass in the movie biz. Having her in a huge action movie like this, can give her a lot more notoriety then just the purple haired chick from Kick-Ass.
Well that's more than I thought. It seemed a lot smaller of female ass-kickers before I started this article. Oh well. Sound off in the comments below on what you liked & disliked & on who you want to see in the Expendabelles franchise cause I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting people. Like, I just remembered one actress that wasn't put on my list... or is this her introduction? No, I forgot about her till right now but she has to be on the list:
Zoe Saldana. Can't believe I forgot about her. But, like I said, sound off in the comment section below!