ByKarly Rayner, writer at Creators.co
Movie Pilot's celebrity savant
Karly Rayner

As Spongebob prepares to become a 'Sponge Out of Water', the harsh, cynical realist in me can't help but think what would really happen to these ocean dwellers if they left the big blue.

So, put the bright-eyed dreamer in you firmly to bed and take my tour of the horrors that await our Bikini Bottom dwellers on dry land. I'm sorry you had to see this.

Spongebob... In My Pants?!

I guess one could say that sponges do go on an amazing adventure when they leave the sea. That is, if your definition of 'adventure' is being slopped into a dirty old bucket until you get so dehydrated that all of your cells perish and all that's left of you is your squishy skeleton.

Real-life Spongebob looking GORGEOUS!
Real-life Spongebob looking GORGEOUS!
I'm sorry you had to see this, buddy
I'm sorry you had to see this, buddy

...But, the horrors don't end there.

We all know that poor, innocent sponges are used for brutal chores such as scrubbing crusty kitchens and giving 90-year-old men bed baths, but this one is new to me...

No. Just, NO.
No. Just, NO.
Scarred for life
Scarred for life

Stay in the ocean, Spongebob! It's not safe for you out here!

Patrick, is that you?!

Poor, naive little Patrick wouldn't fare much better outside the sanctuary of Bikini Bottom. Starfish are regarded as the luxurious caviar of the ocean by the seagull community and, as the many grotesque YouTube videos of the gorging gulls demonstrate, this is not a dignified death.


  Don't mind me. Nothing to see here...
Don't mind me. Nothing to see here...
Get back under while you can!
Get back under while you can!

Oh... And did I mention that you are a delicacy in Asia, Patrick? Sorry, buddy.

Squirming Squidward

You might be a bit of a hardass under the sea, Squidward, but of all of the creatures here, you are in the most danger. People might not be so wild for cramming sponges and starfishes down their gullets, but most people love to munch on a good squid. If you're lucky enough to wash into Japan, they might even eat you like this;

Mmmmm, fresh!
Mmmmm, fresh!
Dreams. Haunted.
Dreams. Haunted.

Don't worry, Squidward, it's not all calamari out there.

Sometimes people might inexplicably lob you onto the ice at a hockey game for fun... But, don't worry, they will just gently scrape you up and move you to a nice, warm aquarium. NOT.

So, do you still want to dry your multiple toes on Terra Firma?

Let it out, Squidward, let it out!
Let it out, Squidward, let it out!

No, I thought not.

Gastronomical Gary

Sure, a snail might be a pampered pet if you just so happen to live in a pineapple under the sea, but nobody wants to hug a snail on dry land. Maybe brutally gnawing its insides out while it's still alive, but definitely no hugging.

NOM NOM NOM
NOM NOM NOM
PTSD observed in a snail for the first time...
PTSD observed in a snail for the first time...

You see that heartbreaking quivering lip? I showed him the clip of salted snails bubbling to death . You've got to be cruel to be kind.

I'm sorry, but [SpongeBob SquarePants 2](movie:575700) just doesn't seem scientifically valid... But then again, neither is a squirrel living under the sea in a diving helmet, so who cares!

Poll

Who do you think would survive the longest out of the ocean?

(Images: Tumblr, NBC, All Posters and Giphy)

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