Douche Canoe (from The Urban Dictionary) – Not just your run of the mill douche. A total douche! This douche will kill you with his non stop douche baggery. Avoid the douche Canoe at all costs.
This week I bring you my top ten douche canoes from horror movies. We all know and recognize this guy or gal. He or she is inevitably the most annoying , clueless, rude, socially awkward character in the film.
10. Halloween 6 Curse of Michael Myers – The Dad
In this movie it is relatives of Laurie Strode living in the old Myers house. They, of course, become victims of Michael but before they do we have Kara’s dad to deal with. He is abusive, dismissive, rude and sexist. He hits his daughter and talks to his wife like she is the help! But don’t worry he gets his comeuppance in the basement after ignoring his wife’s warnings.
9. Halloween 5 – Mikey (Tina’s boyfriend)
In this inferior sequel, we got Danielle Harris back as Jamie and Ellie Cornell as Rachel. Unfortunately Rachel was murdered in the beginning of the movie so her friend, Tina, became the female lead. Some people think Tina’s character with all her squealing and screaming was grating. I personally hated her boyfriend. He was a huge dick. But I’m pretty sure his actual dick was tiny based on the car he drove and his shitty attitude toward his girlfriend and everyone else. This didn’t stop Tina from dating him. It is pretty standard that the ladies love the bad boys. Mikey’s bad boy days were ended when Michael Myers first attacked his car and then his head with a rake!
8. Friday the 13th part 8 – Rennie’s Uncle
What can I say about this movie?! WHAT a mess! The senior class of some New Jersey high school goes on a boat trip to Manhattan. Of course Jason comes along ya know just for shits and giggles. Rennie is our leading lady whose uncle is both a teacher and the chaperone. This guy was just a downright insensitive asshole. Apparently he had a problem with his hearing because he ignored anyone trying to bring to his attention the fact that there was a homicidal maniac aboard the ship. Either that or he was in denial even after all but a few people aboard this death cruise were murdered. He got his when the killer he had been ignoring the whole movie shoved him upside down into a barrel of toxic waste and drown him.
7. Friday the 13th part 4 – Teddy Bear
Part 4 finds our usual gang of kids at a lake but this time vacationing not counseling any kids. In this group of kids, we have two dorky guys Jimmy and Teddy. Jimmy is cute but insecure with the ladies and wears his heart on his sleeve. Teddy is also insecure, however, he has his fake bravado which has deluded him into thinking he is a ladies man. At the same he tortures Jimmy calling him a “dead fuck” as he tries to work his “magic” on the twins. Sadly, he is the clueless one because his smarmy handsy nonsense with the twins earns him a spot on the couch ALONE. Meanwhile, Jimmy is upstairs banging one of the twins! Guys learn from Teddy unless you want your hand as your partner!
6. Halloween 8 Resurrection – Everyone!
I’ll admit for some insane reason I actually like this movie. I own it and have watched it hundreds of times. But I do not lie to myself about it. This movie is a piece of shit! It has a ludicrous plot and everyone is a douche! There are no likeable characters. You do not care if every one of them dies. They were barely developed. They are all stupid, self absorbed, and annoying. I think I hated Jen played by Katie Sakoff the most and was happy when her head was chopped off. I still can’t figure out why the hell someone thought casting Tyra Banks was a good idea.
5. Halloween II 2009 – Laurie Strode
Why, you ask, do I include this movie and not Halloween 2007? I shall tell you. Although I liked both this movie and 2007 Laurie Strode’s character went from being mildly annoying in Halloween to outright douche canoe in part 2. Laurie (played by Scout Taylor Compton) is in the first film a typical teenage girl but by part 2 she has morphed in a screaming, cursing, verbally abusive, whining harpy. I’ve literally never heard that much screaming and obscene language from one person in a movie before. She also was very cruel to Annie blaming her somehow for what had happened even though it was her brother who nearly killed Annie in 2007 and succeeded in 2009.
4. Scream – Stu
Here is a douche bag for you. Crass, clueless, sloppy, and a poor planner. Stu was supposed to be Billy’s partner in crime. He was until the end when everything fell apart and they both ended up dead. If only after murdering all those people he had learned how to properly stab someone as part of the plan to frame someone else. In the end, he died with a TV smashed over his head.
3. Friday the 13th 3D – Shelly
It is my opinion that Shelly is probably the douchiest character of the entire series. Overweight, socially awkward and just a nuisance in general poor Shelly had no clue about life, love, and friendship. He was constantly playing jokes to get the attention of his friends. I can’t believe any of these people would have been his friends in real life. In the end the joke was on him when Jason slit his throat and adopted his mask for the rest of the series.
2. Night of the Creeps – Brad
If this fellow isn’t a douche canoe, I don’t know who is! Cynthia has a real doozy of a boyfriend kids. First strike against him, he is a frat boy. I've known plenty of his type folks and they are generally narcissistic, sexist, assholes. Brad is all of these things. He is also cruel attacking J.C. who is handicapped and kicking him to the ground. This is the last straw for Cynthia and she dumps him. Sadly, he doesn’t get it and stays a douche bag for the little time he has left before he becomes a zombie.
1. Gutterballs – Joey
My number one is not only a douche canoe but also a rapist. Joey is the epitome of douche canoe. Cackling, cursing, sexist, stupid, rude, cruel and criminal. He treated woman like trash and his friends like flunkies. In the end he got the sharpened end of a bowling pin jammed up his ass and boy did he deserve it!
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