ByBrad Barnes, writer at Creators.co
Brad Barnes

Adrianne Palicki became the best reason to watch the last two seasons of [Friday Night Lights](movie:395109), deftly stealing the sexy-tragic-cheerleader romantic high ground from Minka Kelly.

I don't care: you love me!
I don't care: you love me!

Palicki's character began as "white trash jailbait living in a trailer", then pulled a Pygmailion transformation once she got a nerdy tutor, and ended up on the fast track to a university scholarship. Well played, Miss Palicki! All the while, Adrianne kept her sass!

Late night soap operas peaked with DALLAS in the 1980s, crested with BEVERLY HILLS 90210, and the kind of career that Heather Locklear enjoyed with her long run on MELROSE PLACE just isn't available to a natural born vixen like Adrianne Palicki anymore, which is a pity.

Two unsold pilots show how changing tastes in the marketplace have left Adrianne Palicki high and dry. And those pilots took place squarely in the DCU!

Lou Diamond Phillips AND Ving Rhames?  D***!
Lou Diamond Phillips AND Ving Rhames? D***!

[Aquaman](movie:264237) actually gets the watered-down Poseidon wannabe mythology right! It has a little bit of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE going on as Aquaman's mother bravely sacrifices herself to save the life of the orphan Orm from Sirens. Then a touch of TOP GUN comes in as an Air Force pilot encounters the same d*** waterspout that took his mother's life. Then a detour to COCKTAIL country as Arthur Curry shows up as a now-20something houseboat bum late on his rent and tending bar at the Sugar Shack. Oh, and he can swim like a shark on amphetamines!

Sure, it's a Young Adult spin on AQUAMAN, but SMALLVILLE was a Y.A. spin on SUPERMAN, and that ran for 10 years, so don't be hating Y.A.!

Zoom zoom: I'm Aquaman, b******!
Zoom zoom: I'm Aquaman, b******!

Along comes a Siren to drag his a** back down to Atlantis, which his mother escaped from and only Ving Rhames knows that Aquaman is actually heir to the throne, d'oh!


  Follow me, Aquaman, to Atlantis!
Follow me, Aquaman, to Atlantis!

Like most things that aren't really good for you, first, the Siren is all sweetness and light. But Aquaman turns her down, because Real Men don't eat sugar, sweetheart!

You reject me?  Hisssss!
You reject me? Hisssss!

Adrianne Palicki's Siren then tries to haul Aquaman all the way down to Atlantis against his will! Ving Rhames shows up with a trident, there's blood in the water, and... Well, this is an unsold pilot, so it ends on a cliffhanger! But the special effects are surprisingly good, the cast is solid, and Palicki does an excellent Scary Spice of the Seven Seas. Kudos all around!

You can trust me: I respect your a**!
You can trust me: I respect your a**!

[Wonder Woman](movie:45787), on the other hand, reeks of unforced self-loathing of the worst kind.


  Villains should always look this good!
Villains should always look this good!

The villain here is Elizabeth Hurley (the only good thing in this mess), who is the CEO of a pharmaceutical company that is peddling performance-enhancing drugs which cause the customer's eyes to actually seep blood and puts them into a permanent coma!

Um, why so serious, Wonder Woman?


  I walk... with Heavy Hands!
I walk... with Heavy Hands!

Wonder Woman is a Thymesciran ambassador who uses her Diplomatic Immunity to wage a One Woman War against this evil corporation. Adrianne Palicki plays Wonder Woman with all the warmth of single episode characters on [The Walking Dead](series:201193).

When I say just say no, I mean just say no!
When I say just say no, I mean just say no!

See Also - Halo 5 Guardians' Mystery Character REVEALED!

But Wonder Woman also does not want her public image to be exploited by cheap merchandising with sexualized action figures. Um, what?

This doll has a stronger back than I do, guys!
This doll has a stronger back than I do, guys!

Changing back to her classic costume for no d*** good reason, Wonder Woman then uses her magic lasso to strangle some henchmen. Um, really?

Since when do drug dealers for self-medicating, overdosing athletes qualify for the Death Penalty? Washington DC had a mayor who bought cocaine on the 6 0'clock news, for goodness' sake.

Who came up with this delusional plot and can I please shave his Rastafarian, dreadlocked head?

Should I have read the script, first, Brad?
Should I have read the script, first, Brad?

Oh, I'm too late: that explains so much!

Wonder Woman acts like a criminal to stop other criminals, and this makes her a hero, why? The whole thing plays out like a misguided missile going into a heavily populated area, and it's even creepier than I've summarized. All you really need to know is, hey, look at that guys shoes. You can't trust your soul to a sucker who wears soles like that! Trust me.

And Adrianne Palicki is just awful in this part (as awful as this part is): there is no indication of how clever an actress she can be if she is simply given the thinnest thread of logic to play. Thank Hera that this Gorgon of a monstrosity was killed in the TV Pilot Womb and never aired to an unsuspecting public!

AQUAMAN should have reeked like a 5 day old fish, but it is WONDER WOMAN which honestly stank to high heaven, and Adrianne Palicki was there at both efforts, so how could such an awful thing happen to such a DCU friendly vixen like Adrianne? I ask you: HOW?

This is why Nubia, the black twin sister of Wonder Woman, is the best way to keep the WONDER WOMAN movie from turning into an epic train wreck! Please check out my Nubia article, elsewhere, for more information about her!

Behold the future of Wonder Woman, b******!
Behold the future of Wonder Woman, b******!

Oh, and there was also this JUSTICE LEAGUE pilot from the 80s which starred nobody in particular. Adrianne Palicki was not in this one because she wasn't even born, yet. I was alive, because I've been alive, forever. I wrote the very first comic book! I am Sheldon Mayer, and... but I digress.

Unless you consider David Ogden Stiers as MARTIAN MANHUNTER to be a casting coup.

Why, yes, I DID eat the catering truck!
Why, yes, I DID eat the catering truck!

Which I don't.

This unaired [Justice League](movie:401267) pilot played like a recruiting poster for Captain Crunch Breakfast Cereal, oh, it was so very bad, and the jokes? Oy! It hurts to even think about it. What do you get when you stand between Atom and The Flash? Green Eggs and Ham! You think that joke was bad? Then you haven't seen the JUSTICE LEAGUE pilot! (And you don't want to.)

Casting is important, but without a script, don't even go there! Please, please, DC movie division, don't forget the script!

Stay heroic, my friends!


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