ByMark Newton, writer at Creators.co
Movie Pilot Associate Editor. Email: [email protected]
Mark Newton

China isn't exactly know for its strict adherence to copyright law. Indeed, it seems like Chinese pirates will stop at nothing to make money off of someone else's intellectual property - and includes making up some incredibly weird and downright crazy pieces of 'art'.

Harry Potter is, of course, an incredibly huge franchise around the world, but as far as I know, no other country has gone so far to create additional unauthorized books which presumably take Harry's story into some rather unusual, and dark, places.

Here are 6 brain-meltingly crazy unofficial Chinese Harry Potter books.

Harry Potter And The Porcelain Doll

In this enthralling adventure, Harry - who is apparently now a lab technician - must travel to China to stop Voldamort's plan of killing his nemesis, Yan Dao Mo. On route Harry, who is also looking for a porcelain doll for some reason, befriends Long-Long and Xing-Xing, a couple of Chinese acrobats. However, SPOILER ALERT Long-Long and Xing-Xing are actually a long lost champion and princess who in some way help to save the day! NOTE: This book does not feature Ron or Hermione.

Harry Potter And The Leopard Walk-Up-To-Dragon

This hefty tome, which is also known as Harry Potter And Bao Zoulong, is particularly special because it conducts a copyright infringing double-whammy. Not only does it feature Harry Potter and Dumbledore, but its text is literally J.R.R Tolkien's The Hobbit, but with the name changed. It might sound stupid, but I bet Warner Bros. are kicking themselves for not thinking of that crossover.

Harry Potter And The Golden Armor

Unfortunately, there's no synopsis for this one, so I'm going to have break the first rule of literary criticism and judge a book by its cover. As we can see, Harry somehow befriends/rides/fights a dinosaur in a way which is probably significant for the plot. I can also see some barbed wire at the front and what appears to be a small town in the rear. This makes me think Harry Potter goes back in time, grabs a dino and then comes forward in time to World War I in order to change history and win the war... for the Germans? Yeah, f**k it, that sounds good. It also seems to be rather erotic, as this one passage illustrates:

Harry Potter scrubs his face vigorously with his hands—he is in a porcelain bath tub, carefully washing himself. He is a cultured, dashing lad, he can’t have any cheesecake on his body! Ugh, Harry grunts irritably, unable to wash off the completely caked cake off his skin…

Harry Potter And The Water-Repelling Pearl

The presence of 'Gandolf' in this accomplished novella suggests this is one again a Potter/Tolkien crossover. The book also seems to take other liberties with the Harry Potter story, in particular by changing the relationship between Harry and Malfoy from arch-enemies to 'good friends' and 'comrade in arms'. I suppose there's some kind of positive message there.

Harry Potter And The Filler Of Big

This is a particularly interesting tale in that hits on some very important social issues. Firstly, Harry returns to school after spending all summer dealing with Dudley's new girlfriend, who is some kind of stripper and/or belly dancer - no one's really sure. However, even that arduous labor does not compare to the horror that awaits him. As he returns to Hogwarts he soon learns that students are mysterious turning into... WOODEN STOOLS!

By the way, I checked that ISBN number, and yeah, that's fake too. Nice touch.

Harry Potter And Beaker and Burn

Literally no one knows what this book is about, or indeed, why Filk from A Bug's Life is involved.

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Source: HitFix

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