BySarah Gibson, writer at
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Sarah Gibson

John Hammond and his team of dinosaur-developing pioneers clearly didn't learn anything from the previous three movies in the Jurassic Park franchise, because the leaked visitor's guide for Colin Trevorrow's Jurassic World has surfaced online - and with it, an intimate description of the clawed creatures of the theme park.

I'm still totally confused at how the disaster present in Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and Jurassic Park III wasn't enough to stop a new park from opening. Because, if we learned anything from the first three movies, it's that nature is hell-bent on prevailing, and that things in Jurassic places go wrong. Very wrong indeed...

And, unfortunately (since Jeff Goldblum is too busy with new projects to continue making ethical dilemmas look sexy), Dr. Ian Malcolm is not available to warn us about "the lack of humility before nature that's being displayed"...

So, faced with the dino-inspired demise of human civilization, Hollywood's answer is to up the ante by throwing these new guys into the mix... Well, I guess it wouldn't be a Jurassic movie without a menagerie of man-munching monsters! Check this out:

So what, exactly, are we dealing with here? Which of these dino dangers is most brutally going to crack open the Pandora's box of CGI? Enter: The dangerous dinosaur breakdown...

The Ankylosaurus

Name meaning: "Fused lizard."

Description: A heavily armed beast with a large, club-like protrusion at the end of its tail. Around 9 meters long and weighing 13,000 lb.

How it's gonna f*ck you up: Don't be fooled by the fact this guy is a herbivore... The Ankylosaurus' massive tail generated enough force to break the bones of other dinosaurs in combat. Imagine what it could do to little old you, should you interrupt its dinnertime!


The Baryonyx

Name meaning: "Heavy claw."

Description: The snout of the Baryonyx was unlike any other dinosaurs: long and narrow, with rows of studded teeth - twice as many teeth as the T-Rex, in fact.

Why it's gonna f*ck you up: Granted, the teeth of Baryonyx weren't nearly as impressive as the king of the dinosaurs. But, this guy has a LOT of choppers: around a hundred, actually. Oh yeah... And his jaws were angled to keep you from wriggling free. Anyone got a toothpick?


The Metriacanthosaurus

Name meaning: "Moderately-spined lizard."

Description: The Metriacanthosaurus has a spined backbone and is thought to be an ancestor of the Sinosaurids - massive predators with crocodile-like jaws... And nimble legs.

Why it's gonna f*ck you up: In the first Jurassic Park movie, one of the vials containing dinosaur DNA is labeled with this dino's, though the Metriacanthosaurus doesn't actually appear in the film. My theory? They hadn't invented animatronic jaws scary enough.


The Mosasaurus

Name meaning: "Lizard of the Meuse River."

Description: Mosasaurus was a type of carnivorous, aquatic lizard, closely resembling flippered crocodiles, with elongated heavy jaws.

Why it's gonna f*ck you up: Half T-Rex, half shark, full carnivore. Something tells my that the Jurassic World Mosasaurus underwater feeding show ain't gonna end all that well.


The Pteranodon

Name meaning: "Winged and toothless."

Description: Although this one is totally toothless, don't be lulled into a false sense of security! This carnivore grew up to ten meters long and had big brains, and excellent eyesight.

Why it's gonna f*ck you up: Let's just say it's going to make Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds look like a walk in the (non-Jurassic) park.


Oh, and then there's the T-Rex. We all know how that one goes...

Which scary-as-sh*t dinosaur are you most looking forward to seeing in Jurassic World?


Gimme dat...


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