ByKit Simpson Browne, writer at
Writer-at-large. Bad jokes aplenty. Can be gently prodded on Twitter at @kitsb1
Kit Simpson Browne

There are some days when the weight of the world can really get to you. Days where everything goes wrong. Days where you feel powerless. Days where you just can't work out how to fix everything.

Days, in short, where it would be really helpful if you were a superhero.

Say what you like about Spider-Man's teenage angst - when he swings into action against The Rhino or Doc Ock, he at least gets a little relief from the stresses of his day-to-day.

Sadly, superheroes don't really exist in real life.

At least not yet.

Meet the team behind Man at Arms: Reforged, who seem to be setting out to prove that we could, in fact, be superheroes - one awesome Batman and Wolverine mash-up claw gauntlet at a time.

Yup. That's a real thing - and you can watch exactly how they made it below:

The thing is, that gauntlet - while being the wonderful combination of Marvel Comics and Game of Thrones we never knew we wanted - probably isn't that practical when it comes to actually fighting super-villainy.

Y'know, what with them being fixed into place and all.

Which got us thinking - let's say you did want to become a superhero just like Wolverine or Batman: What would you actually need in order to do it?

Well, first up:

Fully Functioning Claws:

They get bigger, promise...
They get bigger, promise...

Want to be just like Wolverine? Well, a gauntlet on its own isn't going to cut it.

You need to be a legitimate crazy person like DIY-legend Colin Furze - and create your own fully-functioning set:

Now, add that to the Wolvie/Bat gauntlet, and you're on to something...

Sometimes, though, you are going to get hurt, which is why you need...

A Healing Factor:

For all your gunshot wound-related needs...
For all your gunshot wound-related needs...

Which, in fairness, sounds like a bit of a longshot. I mean, it's not as though someone's invented a way for you to regrow limbs or anything.

Oh, wait. No, they have.

The US army has developed a way to regrow lost limbs via an 'Extracellular Matrix' - so far they've managed a finger - as well as to replace vast chunks of lost skin from a single postage-stamp-sized piece of your own.

Which means you're still a way away from going full Wolverine, but the day is getting closer...

You're probably going to need someone to actually apply that handy Extracellular Matrix, though. Which is why you also need...

A Sidekick:

Wait, I'M the sidekick?
Wait, I'M the sidekick?

Sometimes you're going to need a helping hand, and honestly, who knows how long it's going to take the emergency services to respond to your hastily constructed cell-phone bat-signal?

So you're going to need a sidekick.

Which direction you head with that is entirely up to you - but if the orphanage doesn't seem amenable to your request for a 'highly-trained killing machine' to adopt, I hear the Vinnell Corporation hire out some pretty good mercenaries.

Don't forget, though - clothes maketh the superhero. So you're also going to need...

A Kick-Ass Costume:

"Kick-Ass was a punk..."
"Kick-Ass was a punk..."

Just like the Batman himself.

In fact, if you're feeling lazy, you can actually buy exactly that: meet The Dark Knight Rises™ - BATMAN™ Leather Motorcycle Suit, courtesy of UD Replicas.

"Suck it, Sons of Anarchy..."
"Suck it, Sons of Anarchy..."

Dye that sucker whatever color the animal that inspired you to fight crime as a child is, and you're pretty much good to go.

Maybe stay clear of the Naked Mole Rat, though.

Though Kim Possible's Rufus WAS awesome...
Though Kim Possible's Rufus WAS awesome...

There's one final thing you need, though...

A Universe in Which All of This Won't Get You Arrested:

Sure, Spider-Man's always being chased by the cops, and there was that whole pesky 'Civil War' thing, but lets be honest - being a superhero in the DC or Marvel universes is a pretty sweet deal.

For one thing, if you die, there's a pretty good chance of you getting resurrected a year or two later.


In the real world? Not so much.

Which means all the awesome claws, bat-suits and healing factors in the world aren't going to change the one sad, simple fact that stops us all from going out and becoming superheroes.

If we did, we'd probably get killed - and if we didn't, we'd probably just end up looking like this guy, and have to watch as everyone on the internet made fun of us...

Our plans to become a Jedi, though?

They're still totally on track...

[Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice](movie:711870) is due out May 6, 2016. Sadly without us all teaming up with Superman on screen...


What do you guys think? What do you reckon you'd most need to be a real life superhero?

via Youtube


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