When I was a teenager, my grandfather told me to try to marry a man who treated his mother well, because that was an indicator of how he’d treat you. And even though I’d like to tell you he was the guy who introduced me to Norman Bates, he wasn’t. I found him all on my own.
While other fan-girls are obsessing over a trifecta of loonies: Michael Myers (the strong, silent type is all well and good, but come on!), Freddy Kreuger (who apparently never trims his fingernails and keeps you awake at night for all the wrong reasons) and Jason Voorhees (seriously, you know what’s under that mask, right?) – I’ll just stick with my mama’s boy, Norman. I think if Mrs. Bates would have only let Norman get himself a girlfriend he may not have become the repressed, pathetic individual he became. Instead she smothered and bullied him until his whole world revolved around her. Yeah, it’s kinda icky, but bear with me here…
This dude was seriously devoted. If he can be so committed (no pun intended) to mommy dearest, then perhaps with a few minor adjustments, he could be likewise obsessed with me, right?
Let’s consider his attributes:
1) Good looking.
This guy runs miles around any of the three majors listed above, and if we factor in Leatherface, Candyman, and Pinhead - as well as the majority of lunatics we're accustomed to, you’ll realize you can’t go wrong with Normie.
The guy can carry on a conversation without drooling, mumbling, grunting, cackling or immediately lashing out with a sharp implement.
3) He’ll cook for you.
Okay, so maybe all he can do is sandwiches and milk, but hey – isn’t that better than your liver on a silver platter or eyeballs in your soup? Especially your own eyeballs.
4) He’s got accommodations.
No sleeping in the boiler room or a pieced-together, dilapidated shack in the woods! This dude has not only got a 12-room motel, but a big ol’ Victorian mansion right up there on the hill. All the comforts of home.
5) I'm going to go out on a limb and assume Norman won’t be into any of the weird, deviant sexual things that Pinhead might try.
Those chains are all well and good till they start ripping off skin. And the other guys? Well, slice and dice just ain’t my style.
6) He’s in shape.
All that running back and forth from the house to the motel has done him a world of good. Compared with chub-meister Leatherface and the lumbering Michael Myers, he can run rings around the competition.
While some of the other guys also have relatively quiet digs (well, I don’t know how quiet Hell is, Pinhead), Norman’s place is so out-of-the-way and secluded off the beaten path that no one would hear you scream… (that didn’t sound right, did it?)
8) And on that note, there’s no weirdo family members to contend with.
No hillbillies sitting around the dinner table, no random sister-you-didn’t-know-existed will pop up, no menacing Cenobites tagging along for the ride. Just us.
Of course, with pros there are always cons. So here are a few things Norman might have to work on to benefit our relationship:
1) No tea. We’re going to have to be a tea-free household. Period. Oh, and no instant coffee either.
2) No showers. The shower head? Gone. Curtain? Gone. Peephole? Well, he can keep that if he wants. But seriously, baths are a much more luxurious way to get clean anyway. And they can be sexy too, right?
3) No more taxidermy. And I don’t just mean animals.
4) We’re gonna have to drain that nearby lake. It was way too murky anyway. Screws with the aesthetics of the place.
5) Paint the house. We can’t have it looking like that when company comes calling.
6) The fruit cellar?Yeah, gotta block that up. It’s not like we’ll be canning peaches anytime soon, anyway.
7) All Ginzu knives and the likes are out the door. Would you have a bottle of Jim Beam in the house with a recovering alcoholic?
8) His mother cannot come to visit. Wait a sec.. Oooh, that’s right…