Real life jobs can be a real drag, such that it’s no surprise we often retreat into the world of film for escapism, and if the awesome explosions and brilliantly imaginative stories aren’t enough, you might end up wondering what it’d be like to live in this world; to walk around, talk to people, and even have a job.
And I’m not talking about being a secretary at Stark Towers or something – though as far as secretarial positions go, that’d be pretty damn awesome, albeit hazardous – but the awesome jobs that just don’t exist outside of a cinema screen.
I’m talking about the jobs we all said we wanted to have as kids, before realizing there wasn’t much demand for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle in the real world. We might get older, but our desire for these awesome cinematic professions to become a reality holds stead-fast.
The Movie Job: Using your parapsychology skills to track down and trap the spectral apparitions of Midtown Manhattan, just like the gang in the eponymous 1984 Ivan Reitman classic.
Desirable Position? Oh, now we’re talking. Awesome jumpsuits? Check. Proton packs? Check. Crazy company car, oddly sexy receptionist and a slobbering ghoul for an office buddy? Check, check, paycheque. Unbelievable.
If It Existed In The Real World: You wouldn’t see us for dust. Well, more likely ectoplasm. It’d also get the risible Derek Acorah off our tellyboxes, which would be worth an extra celebratory Bank Holiday in our books.
10) Truman Show extra:
The Movie Job: Taking a position as one of the many hundreds of cast members populating Truman Burbank’s reality TV ‘life’ in The Truman Show (1998).
Desirable Position? There’s a fair old responsibility that goes along with the role, mostly involving never letting your facade slip when in the presence of the blissfully ignorant main character.
We don’t much fancy it – the pressure’s on, it’s pretty darn repetitive, and we’re scared rigid of Ed Harris as the godlike producer.
If It Existed In The Real World: While the cynical out there might suggest it already does to some extent, our primetime forays into the reality TV world remain – as yet – slightly less morally bankrupt than this.
That said, we’ve no doubt that plenty of people would sign up if the opportunity arose. Depressing.
9) Monster Hunter
The Movie Job: Tracking down legions of the inhuman and staking them through the face – or wherever you fancy, if you’re copying the somewhat slapdash methods of Van Helsing (2004).
Desirable Position? Relatively sweet on the whole. Decked out head to toe in moody leathers, you’re basically a globe-trotting 19th-century badass with a crossbow and a hot colleague.
If It Existed In The Real World: Given that one of the core specifications appears to be having amnesia, it’d be quite difficult to get into. And you couldn’t rely on your co-hunters to remember any decent anecdotes on those inevitable slower days, either – water cooler banter would be a total flop.
8) Executive Toy Tester
The Movie Job: OK, we know real-world versions of the MacMillan Toy Company (Big, 1988) do product-test – but really, there isn’t an adult Josh Baskin (Tom Hanks) sitting up in a game-filled penthouse office all day.
Is there? Oh God, tell us we haven’t been missing out all these years…
Desirable Position? Only if you enjoy waking up every day and blubbering for sheer joy, before skipping to work on rainbows of childish glee.
If It Existed In The Real World: We’d probably have much crappier toys, actually – most major product testing these days is done by randomly selected groups of real kids. And, let’s face it, they know a lot more about it than Alan Pinstripe from accounts.
7) Tomb Raider
The Movie Job: Running around underground and nicking stuff from dead guys, just like Angelina Jolie’s titular (no giggling at the back) character in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
Desirable Position? Definitely, although we’re not sure what sort of a benefits package you could realistically expect – you’re pretty much freelance in this game.
If It Existed In The Real World: There’d hardly be anything left for real archaeologists to excavate – Lara’s well known for smashing up twice as much stuff as she actually steals. And Tony Robinson would presumably have morphed into some kind of bounty hunter, hell bent on wiping out the scourge of buxom history thieves. Which would make Time Team a must-watch, frankly.
6) Millionaire Playboy Crime Fighter
The Movie Job: Bruce Wayne may have a fairly tough time of it whenever he dons the mask for the Batman franchise, but his day job – masquerading as a boozy, irresponsible, eye-wateringly wealthy tech firm inheritor – isn’t too shabby.
Desirable Position? As long as you’re prepared to harbour a pretty hefty secret (and only let the occasional lycra-clad hot date in on it for romantic purposes), then yeah. We’re sold.
If It Existed In The Real World: Wealthy parents would find themselves being dragged down a lot more mugger-infested alleys by their own precocious offspring.
5) Jurassic Park Staff
The Movie Job: Take your pick. Construction? IT? Vet? It’s all up for grabs in Jurassic Park (1993)! Sizeable life insurance package included!
Desirable Position? It’d be absolutely amazing. For about 25 minutes. And then you’d quickly start to figure out why InGen’s staff travel expenses to Isla Nublar only covered a one-way trip…
If It Existed In The Real World: We’d be on the first helicopter over there. As tourists, not staff. And that’d be an armoured helicopter with a nice big viewing window, six back-up pilots and a cruising altitude of 2,000 feet.
4) Matrix Agent
The Movie Job: Artificially intelligent computer programs in human form, tasked with policing and protecting the illusory worlds of the Matrix franchise.
Desirable Position? Pretty much, yes. As well as a sweet green and gold suit, you get a nifty tie clip, mirror-polished wingtips, the ability to punch through concrete and a pain threshold to rival a Uwe Boll boxset addict.
If It Existed In The Real World: We would all have a very cool sounding voice ("Mr Andeeerson" Say it, you know you want to) and rock around with a hand cannon, shooting at far inferior enemies. So yea good gig, until the one turns up then it might be tiresome.
3) Toon Patrol Member
The Movie Job: One of Judge Doom’s giggle-addicted, pratfall-prone animated weasel enforcers, as seen in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988).
Desirable Position? Not really. While we fully approve of their method of opening doors, we’re not super happy at the idea of staffing for history’s most spine-chilling legal worker.
If It Existed In The Real World: Since the only way out appears to be laughing oneself to death, we imagine the office Christmas party would be a carefully controlled exercise in sobriety. Bah.
2) Jedi Knight
The Movie Job: Wielding a lightsaber in the name of the Republic, a heady task undertaken by Luke in the Star Wars franchise.
Desirable Position? It’s a bit of a drag getting there, what with having to progress through Youngling, Padawan, Knight, Master, and finally a nice desk-bound retirement earner as a Jedi High Council peer. But hell, you get a lightsaber at the end of stage two. Sign us up.
If It Existed In The Real World: Nobody would give a toss about footballers – we’d all be Tweeting about which high-ranking Temple administrator had failed to keep it in his robes.
The Movie Job: Reanimated cyborg police officer, as seen in 1987 sci-fi actioner RoboCop.
Desirable Position? Sort of. You do get to do an awful lot of bad guy ass-kicking, but the entry requirements are pretty gnarly. Namely, you have to have been brutally slaughtered by criminals to get the promotion.
If It Existed In The Real World: It’d save the police a bundle of cash, given that you probably don’t have to pay a computer-powered man-machine. Although the trade union disputes would be absolutely terrifying.
Add yours below! What about a Colonial marine or a member of RIPD? Be creative people...
For more of the same -
Editor - @Tim_Horton_Boss