ByKit Simpson Browne, writer at
Writer-at-large. Bad jokes aplenty. Can be gently prodded on Twitter at @kitsb1
Kit Simpson Browne

Have you ever sat down and thought about what superheroes get up to when they're off our screens? The Avengers have a taste for Shawarma, sure. Batman has the whole 'pretending to care about being Bruce Wayne' thing, absolutely. Superman has...Krypto, I guess?

But what about their actual down time? We watch them for a few hours every year or two, and then in between...nothing. They're alone. Aimless. Not a Joss Whedon-penned adventure in sight. Just what it is they do then?

Other than get their SWAG on.
Other than get their SWAG on.

Wait a minute. What's that, Internet? You've already answered that question a whole bunch of awesome, awesome, fan-fiction-y times?

And it's even weirder than we could ever imagine?

Oh, sweet merciful Hulkbuster armor. Lead on, Internet. Lead on...

(Warning, some sexual content below. Also some things that you can definitely never un-imagine - and some that are shockingly well written)

First up:

Everyone Loves Imagining Loki and Tony Stark Having Sex

In a variety of different ways...
In a variety of different ways...

In many ways, this is the pinnacle of internet superhero imaginings - possibly the two most popular characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe spend their free time together. What better use of the downtime between being attacked by a surly Mickey Rourke could anyone imagine?

Oh, also, by imagine, we obviously mean creating incredibly detailed stories which explain exactly why the romance between the two of them totally trumps those any Twilight teens.

Stories like hannahthewordsmith's All This Time, in which Loki falls in love with not just Tony Stark...but Sherlock Holmes, too.

I mean, it makes sense, really. Norse Trickster God ends up in London, and falls in love with a genius detective. It's a tale as old as time, really:

""You have inhumanly long fingers, no offense intended, so you will not have to stretch as far." Loki nodded, and sucked in a quiet breath as the shock ran through him yet again when Holmes placed his index finger on the string. What in Valhalla was this? Holmes' touch was sending him into a high that he was desperate to get out of but at the same time never wanted to leave. Was his skin poisoned? Had Loki contracted a Midgardian disease?"

But, of course, time (and death) eventually steals Holmes away from Loki - only for his soul to be transported into the body of...Tony Stark.

Which goes...well?

"Tony woke up on the roof.
He wasn't sure how he got there, but he was well aware that it was morning and there was someone else next to him. Turning on his side, he found himself staring into a pair of green eyes. He was relieved to find that they both still had their clothes on, but since it was late summer and they had been lying in the sun he found that he was burning up.
"Good morning, Mr. Stark," Loki greeted, always so polite. Well, not always. But still."

Which actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it. I mean - just look at them:

Just. Look. At. Them.
Just. Look. At. Them.

They're like twins!

Oh, wait...

Anyway...Don't be tricked into thinking that Robert Downey Jr is the most important part of that arrangement, because:

Actually, Everyone Loves Imagining Loki Having Sex with EVERYBODY

"Oh, yeah."
"Oh, yeah."

Like, for instance, Elsa, from Frozen.

Often in remarkably realistically plotted scenarios.

For instance, plaguedbynargles' Black Ice, which sees Elsa and Loki fall in love, by way of her telling him the entire plot of The Lion King, Anna trying to seduce him to prove he's a bad guy like Hans, a very bro-y rivalry with Kristoff, and some extremely sexual subtext involving chocolates:

"The queen's eyes raked over the arrangement before finally settling. "Try one of these," she held out to him a bite sized, cream colored sphere, and the god, feeling bold, opened his mouth in invitation, sticking his tongue out.She raised an eyebrow, "Don't push it."Loki rolled his eyes and clamped his jaw shut, taking the sweet from her by hand. One couldn't have everything. He examined it critically for a moment before finally popping it into his mouth, chewing carefully."
Very. Carefully.
Very. Carefully.

Which gets way more adorable in the visual form above (via artbymikaelak).

And, before we all start pointing out that there's a logical hole hiding somewhere within Loki getting it on with a Disney character (I mean, what would Kevin Feige say!), we should all stop to remember one thing. As Anna puts it:

"People are dumb. Loki's hot. They wish they were you. What more is there to it?"

Wait, that wasn't in the movie, was it? I think I may have been distracted by the talking snowman...

And his...flower...genitalia?
And his...flower...genitalia?

Batman Just Will Not Stop Turning Up at Hogwarts

"Really, Bruce?"
"Really, Bruce?"

And by just won't stop turning up, we very much actually mean won't stop making out with key members of the Harry Potter universe.

Most notably in siriously mai pane black's A Strange Sort of Home.

In which Bruce hooks up with...Severus Snape. In heartwarming fashion.

"When Wayne, the larger of the two by a considerable margin, lifted Snape off his feet and pushed him against a wall, the latter closed his eyes and braced himself for impact. Though not quite sure just what to expect, he had certainly surmised that it could not be anything good.
The next sensation he felt was of warm, moist lips pressed against his, the feeling that of a man looking not for comfort or an end to loneliness, but of lust. It was a feeling that Severus Snape had rarely felt so intimately - very few people had considered him worth lusting for."

Because of course Bruce Wayne and Severus Snape would hook up.

It just works:

  I mean, look at the brooding sexual tension...
I mean, look at the brooding sexual tension...

Though not as much as Batman's most substantial - and earth-shatteringly awesome - fanfiction appearance:

Because it Turns Out Batman's Also Westeros

And Turkey...
And Turkey...

And, this time when we say big, we don't mean anything sexual. Or, at least we don't mean anything more sexual than Game of Thrones already always is.

Instead, we're talking about over 250,000 words of sheer, unadulterated geek joy, summed up in one paragraph:

"Jamie clapped mockingly. "Impressive, for a masked freak. Now, shall we see who is truly the most infamous man in the Seven Kingdoms? The Kingslayer, breaker of vows? Or the Batman, outlawed vigilante that defies an armada?""

Yep, that'd be an extract from OccamsChainsaw15's The House of Wayne.

In which Batman, The Joker and Tywin Lannister eventually end up in a three way war fighting over the castle city of Gotham.

Because sometimes, dreams can actually become real.

He shouldn't have saved him in Batman Begins!
He shouldn't have saved him in Batman Begins!

Or horrifying, horrifying nightmares, featuring Joffrey doing unspeakable things to Robin...

That, though - Daenerys/Catwoman fantasies notwithstanding - is still nothing compared to what may, in fact, be the greatest moment of superhero fan fiction genius of all time:

How Nick Fury Really Lost His Eye

One clue: Elsa may have told Loki about it in the fan fiction above.

Yup, that's right - In the wonderful, brief reality created by TwistedRainbow in What happened to Fury's eye, it was taken from him by...The Lion King's Simba:

"Simba!" Nicolas Fury yelled, sweating profusely in his long leather coat. The lion jumped to its feet, preparing for an attack. Fury raised his hands in a sign of peace.
The lion growled.
"Simba" Fury said again "You're the king of all the sun touches. I like that. How would you like to join the Avengers Initiative?" Nick was trying to be calm and soothing, but his voice and appearance (and his gun) were putting the lion on edge.
Simba did not know what the man was saying, because Simba is a lion."

Which is...just...the...Best. Thing. Ever.

Especially because in this Lion King/Avengers crossover scenario, Simba remains unable to talk. Because otherwise, who would believe it?

Oh, don't look so smug.
Oh, don't look so smug.

And...cue Destroyed Childhoods. Just, all over the place.


What do you guys reckon? Which piece of superhero fan fiction do you reckon is the weirdest?



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