Warning: Lots of swearing to follow. Please back away slowly if naughty words offend you.
Alright, so it's no secret that movies are censored from time to time, the directors have reached their f-bomb quota and need to swap it out for something a little more...well, shit.
The problem is that in a ridiculous amount of cases, the intent and even the sense of the scene gets lost.
(Not to mention that sometimes the voice actors can be really, REALLY shit.)
Here are some of the funniest, weirdest and downright bizarre examples of movies censored for bad language. Freak you! FREEEAAAK You!
Die Hard 2
Yippie-Kay-Yay Mr Falcon!
Mr Falcon? WTF (Why The Face), I mean this is the catchphrase of the the lead character and if you're one of those poor unfortunate souls that has to grow up with the heavily censored version, his 'Yippie-Kay-Yay'll change every time.
Die Hard: He throws Hans of a building so, you never know, could work.
Die Hard With a Vengeance: He takes down a chopper with a .38, Mr Falcon might work cos it's a chopper (something else that flies).
Die Hard 4: He shoots Tim Ollafanstastic through himself. Mr Falcon? .... Nah, me neither.
A Good Day to Die Hard: I don't know, I fell asleep.
Freak you... Freak you, FREEAAAK You!
You can't expect to get the full experience of a Martin Scorcese gangster flick with a censored soundtrack. In the physical world we occupy, it just doesn't happen.
So no curses but someone's head can get squashed in a vice?
The Usual Suspects
Hand Me The Keys You Fairy Godmother!
This one speaks for itself really. There isn't any detrimental plot or story arcs destroyed.
It just sounds stupid!
The Big Lebowski
This is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps, do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the alps?!
I wonder if this is what really happens when you find a stranger in the alps. It isn't a tradition or stereotype I've ever heard of.
Clearly the dubbing artist had a bad couch surfing experience because seriously, what the f--k does 'this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps' have to do with stealing The Dudes car!?
Listen closely: Walter throws in something nondescript about 'scrambled eggs'.
I really hope the guys in the dubbing place are laughing when they're doing this, they must be, yeah they are... maybe.
Where'd you get that beauty scar tough guy, Eating pineapple?!
I've eaten pineapples in the safety of my own home many a time without getting a scar like that.
Die Hard With a Vengeance
Don't tell me Rodney King, Right?
This one particularly pisses me off because this is the version I grew up watching, yea 'grew up'... when I was 8 my favorite film was Die Hard, what of it. I had a plastic MP5 and a vest, it was on!
I suppose looking at it now I just got used to the dubs because I thought it was for an ADR or something. In ways too I suppose I got used to John having a canon of dialogue that wasn't always 'fuck you' or 'fuck head'. I think it's actually a bit better that he says 'very funny' or 'bone head' it has more character.
It actually, implies more intelligence with John if his go-to word isn't always "fuck"; subsequently the same applies to Bruce Willis when he's improvising.
What I've always thought about John not dropping f-bombs all the time is that he's a father and so uses 'bone head' or says 'forget the guy' out of practice watching his language with his kids. Clearly this is just a misunderstood interpretation of the character as McTiernan's original McClane curses like a sailor.
It seems that both Willis and Jackson were on a tight leash with this one; most especially Jackson. But this seems to be the case in a lot of Jackson's films. Most especially in Snakes on a Plane. At one point Jackson wanted to have it called Snakes on a Motherfuckin' Plane, but was kindly told by the studio to go freak himself.
Check out what they did with this one:
At least it makes sense I suppose...
The Other Censor:
Another curious censor of Die Hard with a Vengeance was the sign in the movie. It should read 'I hate Niggers' which explains why it's dangerous for John to be in Harlem.
In one version the sign was changed so as to not use a racist slur, how very diplomatic:
Okay, maybe that would offend less people. But if you think about what happens next, a group of black people come up and start beating up John McClane.
More than likely they'd have killed him for having that 'I hate everybody' sign, painting the picture that black people don't need much of an excuse to kill a white man; completely NOT the original intention of the scene.
So in fact the censors possibly made it more racist. Well played.
I don't really see the point in censoring. Language is one of the biggest things censored and yet the main character in The Big Lebowski is a career marijuana smoker; Tony Montana sniffs a Paramount mountain of cocaine then proceeds to shoot people at close range and take on a room of killers in a bloody battle to the death where he falls into a pool of his own blood; Mia Wallace OD's after sniffing some heroine; and Butch cuts someone in half with a Samurai sword not; and that's not forgetting Joe Pesci squashing a man's head in a vice as a torture technique.
But yeah, don't say 'fuck', that's just plain wrong.