ByC.j. Harding, writer at
I'm actually Scottish, living in America. That should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about me.
C.j. Harding

This. This is why I have no faith in humanity. What I had expected to be a solid 7 or 8 out of 10, I instead found lacking in plot, story, direction, visual accuracy, and overall content quality. First of all, let’s give credit to those who earned it. Morgan Freeman and Scarlett Johannson delivered lackluster but enjoyable performances, the quality of which was lessened only by the poor directing and scripting of this film. Both of them are high-quality actors, and their careers are well-established enough that this singular failure will in no way affect their already staggering number of successes. Now, for the negatives.

First, there were plot holes so large that Grimlock of Transformers: Age of Extinction could have run through them with plenty of overhead clearance. The film opens with Scarlett’s character being a whiny, completely unlikable (despite her physical appearance) bitch who appears to be employed as a whore. Her “boyfriend” of exactly one week, as Lucy admitted to her roommate, was using her to pedal drugs to some rich fuck. The drug, which is really just some sort of super-hormone that pregnant bitches force-feed their fetuses to make them grow bones and shit, is called CPH-4, and the only discernible purpose having the knowledge of its name serves is so that you can have a constant fucking stream of annoying repetitions of something you‘ve heard at least seven times by the end of the first half hour of the movie.

Visually, this movie sucked major monkey tits. The blood looked like someone took a major piss and added some red food coloring. There was a literally a CGI monkey at the very beginning. What, you could afford two of the best goddamn actors on the face of the fucking planet, but you can’t afford a fucking monkey? And you couldn’t even ask the goddamn props department to make good fake blood? I’ve seen movies with half the length worth seven of Lucy.

After Spider-Man 3, I pretty much lost faith in the ability of the movie industry to make another clusterfuck that big. Then I saw Twilight. And my faith was restored momentarily. Then I saw New Moon. And boy, let me tell you. I absolutely DESPISE Jennifer fucking Lawrence’s acting abilities. But I would rather watch fifteen of Katniss and her version of Mystique eat shawarma like the fucking Avengers post-credit scene (Avengers was amazing, b-t-dubbs) than sit through fifteen minutes of New Moon. My faith in Hollywood’s clusterfucking prowess was ruined.

Then came a day unlike any other. A day when Earth’s mightiest heroes lost one of their own. The Black Widow. She had fallen prey to the evil hand of the villain Terrible-Ass Scripting and his equally vile henchman, Total Directing Clusterfuck. Coincidentally, this was also the day that I decided, along with a close friend of mine, that it would be a great idea to go see Guardians of the Galaxy (which is a fan-fucking-tastic film that everyone should lay down their money to see) and follow it up with Lucy. You guys are probably thinking something along the lines of “well, it can’t be that bad. It can’t possibly be worse than the Twilight saga.” No, see, that’s where your brain takes a nice little trip to Nonsensville and you temporarily lose your sanity. This movie is worse than all of the Batman movies that preceded the Dark Knight trilogy combined with the entire Twilight saga, Spider-Man 3, and that total disgrace that was The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. You can also choose your own toppings from our complementary movie mistakes topping bar to your left.

Also, what the fuck was up with all the nature videos? There was this totally random series of nature shots where an antelope was being hunted by a cheetah, and it served, as many things in this movie, no fucking purpose whatsoever.

Here’s the whole plot for those of you who are going to give me a hearty “fuck you” and go see the movie anyway.

Lucy is a 25-year-old American woman living in Taipei to study some sort of college thing, and gets tricked by her boyfriend of exactly one week into being a drug mule, working for the Korean mob boss and drug kingpin Mr. Jang. Lucy delivers the briefcase containing the CPH-4 to Mr. Jang, who then forcibly abducts her, kills her boyfriend, and has one of the four pouches of drugs sewn into her stomach.

While in captivity, one of the douchebags who works for Jang, who is, contrary to Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy’s belief, 100% a dick, kicks her in the stomach and breaks the bag open. The drug gets into her system, and she begins her very rushed road into becoming Superman. Of course, as all people do, she kills the guys who kidnapped her, and takes a taxi to a nearby hospital, where she forces her way into an operating room and shoots a dying patient, shoves him off the operating table and demands to have the bag taken out.

She returns to the hotel, stabs Mr. Jang, and extracts the locations of the other three people forced to transport the drugs through some sort of fucking mind probe shit, and then goes home and contacts Morgan Freeman’s character, who just so happens to be the only scientist in the world capable of saving her life from the killer Superman drug that’s killing her. After talking to Dr. Norman, she heads out to Paris and locates the last three packets of CPH-4, and meets up with Dr. Norman.

At this point, she’s pretty much God, and she begins giving this really long, boring speech about the nature of time and life, and how people’s humanity makes them total dumbfucks, and she forces him to inject her with the rest of the thing that’s killing her. Yes, you read that right. She injected herself with more of a drug that’s killing her, which logically means she’s going to die faster. But instead of dying, she starts changing colors and oozing all over the place, taking in things from around the lab, and creates a giant supercomputer that will house all her infinite knowledge about the universe. While the supercomputer is assembling itself, Lucy reaches back through time and touches fingertips with the oldest discovered ancestor of mankind, implied to be the primitive ape Lucy.

In the lab, Mr. Jang finds Lucy, and tries to shoot her, but Lucy pulls a Loki and disappears to somewhere else, apparently buck-ass nude, because the only things left are her clothes and the supercomputer. Del Rio, the cop who helped Lucy recover the other bags of drug, comes in and pops a cap in Jang’s ass, then asks Dr. Norman where Lucy is, just before getting a text message that says “I AM EVERYWHERE.” The movie ends with an overhead shot of Jang’s body and Lucy doing a voice-over: “Life was given to us a billion years ago, and now you know what to do with it.”

All in all, Lucy was a film that, regardless of the fact that Scarlett Johannson and Morgan Freeman were in it, completely tanked. The story was incomprehensible, the action scenes were limited to Lucy shooting people, and overall, the quality of the movie was horrible. From visual effects to the script itself, this movie’s foundation was made of pure horse shit, and the idea that this came from the same guy who did the script for Taken makes me wonder if that movie was really that great. Gonna have to go back and watch it and form a new judgement.


If you've seen Lucy, did you think it was......


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