ByKarly Rayner, writer at
Movie Pilot's celebrity savant
Karly Rayner

When it comes to comic book concepts, few are as weird as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - who decided that slow, deaf, ungainly reptiles had the star potential to be heroes?

Even Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael's creators admit that the premise is "the dumbest thing ever", but if you remove the mutation things get a whole lot dumber...

Presenting the not-so-ninja unmutated turtles...

When the good guys have no ears, nobody can hear you scream...

Unless of course you happen to be bellowing like a horny bison at a staggeringly bassy 50hz!

Although turtles have no external ear-holes, they can still hear some low frequency sounds thanks to the power of vibrations. As for making out speech or a high-pitched scream of terror? Forget it, a turtle wouldn't even wrench it's head out of its lettuce.


Heroes in a crap shell...

That half shell might look like natural armor, but it bleeds and is sensitive to touch, just like skin.

Sure, it would be harder to ram a sword through one of these bad boys, but if every jab felt like a root canal, I doubt you'd be seeing much turtle power.


You're called WHAT?!

A group of turtles is collectively known as creep. Does that seem appropriate to you?


It's beginning to feel a lot like Crime-mas!

All the presents are getting nabbed from under your tree this year because turtles hibernate all winter, soz!


Fear of the dark

Like all coldblooded creatures, turtles need to bask in the sun to recharge their batteries.

And even if all crime happened during sunlight, with a top speed of 5mph, a turtle makes the humble snail look like Usain Bolt.


A picture's worth a thousand words

Question: Could you swing a nunchuk with those ridiculous arms?


The turtle is the only creature in the animal kingdom whose shoulders are actually inside the rib cage. This gives them incredibly restricted movement, but they can still probably pitch better than Carly Rae Jepsen.

You've gotta give them credit where it's due!



Heaven forbid these cold-blooded crime fighters fall over.

At least Donatello could lever himself up with his bo staff and, speaking of staffs...


Is that a shotgun in your shell or are you just pleased to see me?

Okay, so it doesn't affect their ability to clean up crime, but I will never be able to look at the turtles in the same way again.

Tucked inside that half shell are some terrifyingly disproportionate genitals... I wish I hadn't learned this, but a turtle's wang is over half its body length.

Ummmm. Maybe it could class as a concealed weapon?


An expert opinion

Author Terry Pratchett's entire fictional universe is seated on the back of a mystical turtle swimming through space, but even he knows their limitations! He wrote;

You can't trample infidels when you're a turtle. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look

A subtlety that might well be lost on Bebop and Rocksteady...


But, turtles do have some unexpected skills like...

Bodacious bio-warfare, dude!

While smashing the enemies face in with brute force might not be physically possible, smashing their back doors in with explosive diarrhea is totally in the turtles repertoire!

Turtles are voracious carriers of samonella, and our favorite teenage tearaways also live in a sewer for added seasoning...

Just crawling over Shredder's packed lunch would do the job nicely!


Grizzly go-fetch...

Turtles might not be able to prevent murders, but they can find the body!

Snapping turtles scavenge dead things from the riverbed, and they don't discriminate when it comes to species...

These fearsome-looking beasts have previously been used to find bodies in rivers and lakes. Trackers simply tie a rope around a snapper and release it, when the fearsome reptile stops moving it is assumed to be feeding and divers are sent in to find out just what on...



Which creature would be worse at fighting crime than a turtle?

(Source: Mental Floss, OMG facts and Seattle Times)


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