Subtitle: When Indie Films Go Horribly Horribly Wrong
Let's start with the obvious. If the film features Christian Slater talking to a racist monkey sock puppet, it's probably better to just skip it. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Some of the best horror films I've ever seen have been made by indie directors: outside of the studio system, filmmakers are usually a little freer to experiment and make interesting movies. But every so often, something awful happens: some crew of back-patting bros or trust fund kids with too much money and a hand-held camera decide to make a movie and then some poor sucker makes the mistake of watching it.
So in the interest of saving you the misery of suffering through the same crap movies I have, the following is a list of the worst (recent) horror movies I've had the misfortune of stumbling across. And if you DO happen to see one of the movies at your local used video store...
AnnaLynne McCord is damn lucky that I saw Excision for the first time AFTER I saw this filmic abortion late last year, otherwise I'd probably still be sticking pins in voodoo doll AnnaLynne. Everything about this sloppy revenge/torture film in insulting, from the preposterous dialogue to Billy Zane's cigar-chomping Telly Savalas impression. Scorned gets five face palms out of five.
Bad Kids Go to Hell (2012)
Based on a comic book, this attempt at a horror mash-up is one giant dumpster fire. To be honest, I've blocked a lot of this one out, but I remember random supernatural nonsense, offensive Native American stereotypes, and as usual, a tragic misuse of Judd Nelson in an attempt to make viewers nostalgic for The Breakfast Club. Bad Kids Go to Hell gets four face palms out of five.
Rites of Passage (2012)
And we're back with the racist monkey sock puppet. And oddly enough, also with ridiculously offensive Native American stereotypes. But for extra fun, add in an ultra-creepy Wes Bentley and Christian Slater flushing what was left of his career down the crapper, and there you have this joke of a "horror" film where the only redeeming quality is that Stephen Dorff is pretty to look at. Rites of Passage gets five face palms out of five.
Knock Knock (2007)
I've heard actual knock knock jokes that are scarier than this lame attempt at starting a slasher franchise. Loaded to the brim with casual racism, cliche characters, offensive stereotypes, and old-fashioned stupidity, the sheer fact that this movie has a sequel is enough to make me curl up in the fetal position and weep for the state of horror films. Knock Knock gets four and a half face palms out of five.
The Ganzfeld Haunting (2014)
If your idea of a good time is watching a coked-up Rumer Willis do a half-naked impression of her mother in Striptease (and that is obviously SOMEONE'S idea of a good time because it takes up 60% of the frigging movie), then by all means, knock yourself out. The other 40% is filled with the same lame haunted house shaky cam bullcrap we've seen in 100 hundred films in the last, oh, ten minutes. This one is more boring than actively offensive, so The Ganzfeld Haunting wins the day with only three face palms out of five.
Dishonorable Mention: Someone's Knocking at the Door (2009)
The only reason this is not on the main list is because it is so stupid, so unnecessary, and so offensively bad, it is undeserving of face palms. Instead, Someone's Knocking at the Door goes straight to "nope" status, with five NOPE's.
If you've already watched any of these movies, please accept my apologies on behalf of the filmmakers. They may not have the decency to feel bad for what they put you through, but someone should. Here is an adorable gif of a happy bunny getting a bath to make up for it.
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