ByBenjamin Marlatt, writer at

In Deadwood, South Dakota, Harley Henderson (Danny Bonaduce), the local DJ, is organizing an 80′s themed rock festival. This is met with much displeasure from the local environmentalists, led by Harley’s former bandmate Simon Quinn (Barry Williams), who feel the event’s causing too much disruption to nature, in particular, Bigfoot.

Yep, makes total sense.

After Bigfoot lays the entire festival to waste, which includes killing Alice Cooper, dollar signs begin to flash in front of Harley’s eyes. He and Mayor Gillis (Howard Hesseman) wanna capture the monster so they can create a Bigfoot themed park attraction that’ll bring in revenue, but when Bigfoot retaliates, all hell breaks loose.

These kinds of films are always a bit difficult to review, ’cause they’re straight out of the Syfy assembly line. They’re crap and everyone knows it. I mean, what’s to critique here that isn’t already slapping you, the viewer, in the face already?

I was, however, enlightened by these facts highlighted by this film:

1) The actual Food Chain is as follows: Dragonfly – Frog – Fish – Bear – Man – Bigfoot. We’re failing in the education of our youth, America.

2) If Bigfoot truly is 35-40 feet tall as he’s depicted here, he is not elusive, but more like obvious, making all the searchers out there pretty inept. It’s like walking out on a clear, summer day and not being able to pinpoint the sun.

3) Bigfoot doesn’t leave behind a single footprint when he runs, which leaves me to believe…

- Syfy couldn’t afford the proper footprint effects.

- For being a creature that weighs tons, Bigfoot is surprisingly light on his feet.

4) Apparently, in South Dakota, a festival is two vendor tents popped up on both sides of a 15×10 performance stage that’s about 5 feet high with a crowd attendance of about 20 people, yet the cheering still sounds like it’s Madison Square Garden on a packed night.

5) The mayor has no problem diverting the firemen’s pension funds toward putting together the Bigfoot park. I hope to God no one in Deadwood, South Dakota has a house fire, ’cause you know the firemen ain’t answering that call.

Like Mega-Python vs. Gatoroid, which paired up 80′s teeny-bop singing sensations Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, Bigfoot has Danny Partridge and Greg Brady going head to head. From the moment Harley Henderson storms up to Simon Quinn and snarls, “You just couldn’t stay out of my spotlight!” (I hate to be that guy, but technically the correct parallel to Greg Brady would be Keith Partridge), you know you’re in for a 90 minute wink-fest. It doesn’t end there ’cause Harley constantly has to keep reminding Simon about the time he slept with his mother, which leads to a bar fight between the two of them, but that’s probably more to do with the fact that the artist formerly known as Greg Brady wanted Mrs. Brady all to himself.

I love those “What really happened behind the camera” TV show biographies. You’ll always have Marcia, though, Greg.

The “Where the hell have they been?” reunion of former TV stars doesn’t end with those two either ’cause, before you know it, Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne, Twin Peaks) and Howard Hesseman (Dr. Johnny Fever, WKRP in Cincinnati) pop up, desperate to get the rent paid and luck just so happening to have stricken their way when they noticed an audition ad for Bigfoot in the “Help Wanted” section of their local newspaper. You can understand Williams showing up. He’s done a Syfy film before with Mega Piranha, so he probably thought a star of his stature was doing them another favor. Bonaduce? Well, he was probably spotted by a network producer at the end of a highway exit ramp, holding a “Will work for food.” sign.

And the rest is history.

Bruce Davison nearly rounds out Syfy’s Casting Trinity by-law (one washed up TV star, one washed up film veteran, and a young, hot chick). They couldn’t get the young, hot chick, but they probably felt they were compensating by giving us two washed up TV star leads. When you consider that Davison’s career includes receiving an Academy Award nomination for Longtime Companion, co-starring in Robert Altman’s Shortcuts, co-starring with Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis in The Crucible, appearing in two of the X-Men films, and co-starring with Academy Award winners Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman and Rachel Weisz in Runaway Jury, trying to connect the dots up to 2012′s Bigfoot might leave you a tad bit befuddled, like trying to connect point A to point Z without points B to Y.

Then again, he also directed this, so it’s not like Syfy had to beg and plead for him to star in their film.

‘Cause – you know – when you look at the many other acclaimed projects Syfy film stars have lined up, the network really has to move mountains to get them to sign on the bottom line.

What you see is what you get here: special effects that look like they predate a Windows 95 screensaver, cringe-inducing dialogue, a total production budget of about $5.38, and the forever tarnishing of even a sweet-natured creature like Harry Henderson. You can’t beat this film over the head too much, though, ’cause if you’re expecting anything more than what it is, then – well, why would you?

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