Vapid, shallow 30-year old teens party, squabble, and meddle in witchcraft until tragedy strikes, and that sounds an awful lot like an ordinary weekend to me. They say that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but I wanted to throw heavy stones at all the characters in this movie from the first five minutes. Thankfully, they all meet an untimely end. Unfortunately, they all get resurrected through some vaguely magical stones and continue to be the vapid, shallow partying teens they were in life, only now they suck their classmates' blood, which is one of the hundreds of reasons why I dislike teenagers. They're self-absorbed, obsessed with social media, and exclusively wear Abercrombie and Fitch for some reason. If somehow teenagers manage to avoid being smothered by their self-absorbed, social-media-obsessed parents in the night with a pillow for being vapid, shallow, and self-absorbed, they grow up to be self-absorbed, social-media-obsessed adults who wear Nike fitness apparel in an effort to regain their self-absorbed, social-media-obsessed, Abercrombie and Fitch wearing youth, and I think I've lost my train of thought. That reminds me, I should probably check my Facebook and Twitter feeds and see what I still have to purchase in my Amazon shopping cart.
Anyway, I enjoyed All Cheerleaders Die because it was well-shot, funny, and a little gory, in spite of the fact that it has cheerleaders and other awful teenagers in it, and the fact that they don't stay dead for very long, but no one would green-light a film called All Middle Aged, Vapid, Shallow, Grizzled, And Disgruntled Men Must Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil Very Slowly Due To Sloth, Eating Too Many Oreos, And Sitting In The Dark Watching Movies Over Many, Many Years anyway because no one would go see that and the title is too long to fit on a marquee.