Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio just announced their newest attraction “Batman: The Ride.” Okay take a look at the CGI simulation of the course so that we’re all on the same page:
This ride looks to me like a one-way ticket to Vomitville. Don't get me wrong, I love a good roller coaster, but there's something about spinning around on a loop that just doesn't sit well with my stomach. Also, this ride really leaves me with more questions than answers, which also doesn't sit well with me.
Why is this considered 4D? Is all of that flipping really necessary? And what exactly makes this a "Batman" ride, I'm not entirely sure. Is it because it's black and yellow with the Batman symbol on it? Six Flag's rides are normally more concept-driven, so this is confusing. One of my lovely coworkers suggested that it might be modeled after the Batarangs but, honestly, who can say for sure?
Batman has the potential to make a badass ride, but this one seems like it might fall flat. In any case, I have created a list of superheroes/mutants/vigilantes that would make...interesting rides.
I know what you're thinking. "But Deadpool is awesome! Think of how cool that ride could be!" Well that might be the case, but not in the way I'm imagining it.
Picture this: You hop onto the roller coaster. This has been a great day so far. You just ate a delicious hotdog or some funnel cake. You pull down the bars over your head. That mixed feeling between excitement and nervousness starts to drop from your mind to the pit of your stomach. The roller coaster hisses as the car lurches forward. You're ready.
You can feel that this is going to be the best ride ever. As the clicking up the first incline begins to slow, you can see over the drop. And then...
BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE! Blood in your eyes. Blood in your nose. Blood all over that Batman t-shirt that you literally just bought. Ugh. You can sort of hear the sound of katanas and bullets as they whoosh past your ears, mercilessly slaughtering the enemies that, quite frankly, you couldn't even see.
Things get even creepier when all of the animatronic Deadpools on the ride break the fourth wall and stare straight into your soul. Yeesh!
You step off the ride upset and damp. Unfortunately, your day at the park as ended early because you need to go home and change. You can't sleep for days. Damn you, Deadpool Ride!
Okay, this one of more of a quick trip. Pun absolutely intended. In case you didn't know, here are Snowflame's powers as described by Comic Vine:
"Snow Flame is able to increase his strength and cover himself in white fire when he ingests cocaine. He also claimed that his strength increased the more he fought.
It's unknown how he gained these powers."
Umm okay. So some people might view this as a great ride, while others might be slightly turned off by its legal implications. Here's how it would go:
At first you're not really into the idea of going on this ride. You've heard really mixed reviews. People either had a great time or only cared enough to try it once or twice at parties. All of your friends are going on it though so you figure you can try it once to see how you feel about it.
You find yourself on a standing ride. Actually, there is a seat below you but you choose to stand up instead. The ride jolts forward and startles you somewhat. At the beginning everything seems great and super exciting.
You find yourself paying too close attention to one thing like your fingernail or talking about your political position to the person next to you. Or your focus is all over the place. Either way, you aren't really paying attention to what the ride looks like. Still, you're having a great time. It's kind of like this.
You feel like this ride is going to last forever! Until...it doesn't feel like that anymore. Suddenly, it all halts to a stop. You step outside into the blinding light of day and feel the need to reassess your life. Then you feel kind of sad and tired.
You walk home in a stupor and watch Netflix for the rest of the day.
You then decide that the Snowflame Ride really isn't for you. But maybe it was worth trying the one time because at least now you know.
Ahh just a casual day at the amusement park. You've gone on some other rides and had a great time. You know what would just be the icing on the cake? How about a quick pop into the Rorschach ride!
After a decently long wait in the line, you're finally at the front. Your legs are pretty tired from standing, so you're relieved to see a comfortable looking chair once you enter the cart. How plush!
The car moves forward about a foot and then stops. Then you realize that the line must have been crazy long because this ride is just a room, the chair, a ledge, and you. All of the sudden the animatronic Rorschach pops up as if from nowhere! You scream, "Woah! How did you even get in here?" He doesn't even respond.
The robot Rorschach turns you. You wish he had just stayed facing the opposite wall. He gets way too close to your face. Even through the mask you can kind of smell his breath. It smells faintly of beans.
This is getting really awkward.
He asks you questions about your parents, what high school was like, and whether or not you believe the fight for humankind is futile. Some of his questions are valid but he's really just making you feel kind of bad about yourself.
Everything you say he just responds with more condescending questions.
I mean you never come to an amusement park planning on falling into a deep existential depression, so this is really unfair. Ugh. This comfortable chair was definitely not worth it. So you tell him you want to leave and that this will probably be your last session. Then you just walk out and don't pay.
Not gonna lie, it's a little difficult to go from that kind of intense observation to just going back and enjoying the day. You still try your best, but it's just not the same.
You might be asking yourself, "Who is Rainbow Girl and why wouldn't I want to go on an amusement park ride based on her?" Well, that's a fair question. With a name like Rainbow Girl you'd probably expect a tour through some dark tunnels with some sort of fun rainbow light projections zooming all over the place. Perhaps akin to that of a Pink Floyd laser show, except with dreamy space pop-punk play in the background.
No. That's not what this ride is about. You guys don't even know. To be honest, Rainbow Girl doesn't even know. That's because Rainbow Girl's powers are over the emotional spectrum, resulting in unpredictable mood swings. Also people tend to like her because she releases pheromones...
Exactly. This is the emotional version of Space Mountain. Dark, confusing, strange. In my mind, this ride can be completely described in some carefully chosen GIFs. Here's how this one would go down:
Talk about an...
And then, after what seemed like an eternity, you finally get off the ride with some of your friends. You see your one friend who didn't want to go on because they were feeling a little queasy after the Batman 4D Freefall ride. They stand up from the bench they were on and they walk into this situation.
So you showed up to this ride, just thinking you're going to have a great time with Rainbow Girl. But now you're disappointed as hell because you have to walk around the park for the rest of the day looking like this.
Curse you, Rainbow Girl Ride!
I know that there are plenty of other superheroes/vigilantes/mutants etc. that would make pretty awful amusement park rides, these are just a few of the many possibilities. Maybe Six Flags will see this and start developing some of these rides. Should we start a Twitter campaign or something? Let's keep our fingers crossed!