Feeling the need to have some quality father-daughter time, Gabe Jacobs (Treat Williams) takes his snobby daughter Jade (Jillian Rose Reed) to a new museum exhibit that’s featuring a scientific breakthrough. That breakthrough, funded by Geneti-Sharp CEO and paraplegic Justin (Ronny Cox), is genetic engineering that has been able to bring dinosaurs back to life. Well, that, and turn Justin into a miraculous walking man too, but you think the audience showed up to see an old man and his regained mobility in his legs?
Genetically engineered dinosaurs. I bet I know where this is going.
Yep, the dinosaurs break out and go on a rampage in downtown L.A. What more needs to be said?
Age of Dinosaurs is another tour de force gem brought to you by The Asylum and aired by Syfy. I’ve already reviewed another award worthy film of theirs with Bigfoot, and I’ll be damned if this is the last. It’s exactly like Jurassic Park, that is, if you took all the excitement out of it and used a script submitted by a 4 year old.
Now, most of you expect me to just beat the hell out of this film, but I was, however, enlightened by these facts highlighted by this film:
1) Guns, rocket launchers and SWAT teams, apparently, are no match for these occasionally see-through dinosaurs. Treat Williams and a 2×4 are, though. All those wasted tax dollars and to think the answer’s down Aisle 4 at Lowe’s for $2.64.
2) When Gabe and his daughter are cornered by a T-Rex or whatever the hell type of dinosaur it is, one of their friends tells them to run for it and he’ll distract and stall the creature. He’s eaten by it in the span of 2 seconds… He proved to be absolutely no help.
3) The qualifications for the LAPD must be extremely slack. Curious as to how hard it is to actually hit a gigantic dinosaur, the size of a building, with a gun? Just ask these cops. They’ll show you with relative ease.
4) You’re probably also wondering what the span of time the “age” in Age of Dinosaurs is. Well, according to this film, it’s less than a day.
5) Various other drivers passing by couldn’t act any more oblivious to the fact that a 60 ft. dinosaur is charging through the streets, which leads me to believe…
- The visual effects applied to the creatures were so horrendous even the characters in the movie could tell.
- The crime rate and poverty level in Los Angeles are so bad, not even a genetically engineered mammoth reptilian, running around clear as day, phases them.
6) Congrats on killing one Pteranodon, Treat Williams. I believe you and your daughter still left about 32 others roaming around the streets… Better go get your wood plank ’cause I doubt the cop running the show downtown – who makes South Park’s Officer Barbrady look like Frank Serpico – is gonna get the job done.
Once again, like any good Syfy film that plays by the rules, is the ultimate criteria being met? Yes, I’m referring to Syfy’s Casting Trinity by-law: one washed up film veteran, one washed up TV star and the young, hot chick. They actually went above and beyond the call of duty. You got Ronny Cox (the villain from RoboCop) and Jillian Rose Reed as the bratty, little hot chick, but you also get a double whammy from Treat Williams. He’s both a washed up film and TV star. The people at Syfy must’ve been patting themselves on the back for this accomplishment.
I can’t fault Treat Williams too much. He takes this role about as seriously as if he was in 12 Years a Slave. That’s a remarkable feat for any actor to pull of, especially when you consider that this script is so juvenile it was probably written in crayon. His earnestness is particularly shown when he realizes a Pteranodon is heading to the Hollywood sign (’cause I guess that’s a popular nesting ground for dino-birds), somehow tricks that moronic creature into a helicopter trap and then kills it off, but not before getting his cheesy, one-liner kill moment: “Bye-bye, birdie!”.
Get it? You know, ’cause it’s a – oh, well, a paycheck’s a paycheck.
Ronny Cox gets the obligatory CEO who learns his lesson by the end of the film, aka, the John Hammond role. For pretty much two seconds, I sat there thinking, “Oh, cool. It’s Dick Jones from RoboCop.” Then he opened his mouth and uttered, “It’s not about dinosaurs or getting me to walk again… It’s about bringing back cool… kick-ass cool!” I guess kick-ass cool = playing God.
If by cool he meant many people getting thrashed to pieces, or at least presumably since most kills are offscreen or barely seen (you can only do so much with a $10 makeup effects budget), then – hey, mission accomplished!
Be completely grateful that Steven Spielberg doesn’t have a terrible drinking problem ’cause this is what Jurassic Park would’ve looked like had he have been wasted for the entire film shoot. This isn’t the most outstandingly bad flick The Asylum has made, but if you’re flipping through Netflix and you feel like wasting 88 minutes of your life and (or) have had too much to drink, Age of Dinosaurs may provide you with some “so bad it’s good” entertainment. At the very least you can watch Treat Williams act his scenes out while he secretly wishes he could be back in that one zombie film with Joe Piscopo.
Yes, even that one.