ByTyler Sparks, writer at
Founder of I chew glass and shit highballs. I like booze, I like horror, I write boozy reviews about horror.
Tyler Sparks

Shell shocked would be the phrase I'd use to describe my girlfriend as we exited the theater.

Romulus and I alternatively guffawing and hollering 'WHAT the ****!', drunk on visual stimuli, and my poor beautiful lady walked like a woman in a dream.

And that would be the line - you will either LOVE this film or not. Either way, its a brilliant and bountifully confounding ride that I am still attempting to find a category for.


If you've been following the film prior to release, you'll know the basic premise here. Man meets Walrus, man loves Walrus, man recreates boy into Walrus.

I knew walking in what I'd be seeing. I understood there were some Frankenstein-esque elements at work here.

But the real beauty of this one is that Kevin Smith didn't give a flying rat-tailed frick WHAT you knew about the film going into it, because he was aware there was no WAY you could be prepared for it!

So before I wax poetic on your pillowy buttocks allow me to recap the full story briefly:

Justin Long plays Wallace Bryton (Wallace...Walrus...Wallarus....Wallacearus...wait) a podcaster who works with Teddy Craft (played by Haley Joel Osment, whose face forgot puberty) and decides to head up north to cover an extremely tasteless story involving an ill fortuned YouTube star. When that story falls through for morbid reasons, Wallace wallows in his sorrows in a local bar when he discovers, mid piss, an eloquent letter from an old seafaring shut-in promising stories.

As Wallacearus enjoys his tea a bit too much, Howard Howe (played by Michael Parks) begins weaving a story of his worldly ventures, opening with an interaction he had with the great Ernest Hemingway

"Do sober what you say drunk, it'll teach you to keep your mouth shut"

If only WE were that wise...though...this blog probably wouldn't exist....


Soon our main man Wallarusace succumbs to the delicious tea as Howard begins the tale of his beloved friend Mr. Tusk (short for Tuskegee, cuz, screw it) and we finally arrive at the transformation we all showed up for.

The real story, the real movie, begins AFTER said transformation, and its a pants-crapping blast.



It may be a tired subject but HEY this is what i'm interested in. Also, no. No boobage.


Michael Parks, at the mind blowing age of 74, is gut bustingly brilliant. Seriously. The rest of the cast is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but hOLY BALLS MICHAEL PARKS. Yeah. Anyway.



Kevin bleedin' Smith. I've always known his work to be brilliant but this one takes the gorram cake. For a few minutes I thought things were going a bit slow, but then I wised up and listened - and its just splendid. Say nothing of Guy Lapointe, played by...well...Guy Lapointe. You sort it out.


Everything about this movie put me in stitches. actually stitches. I'm not sure why I said that. Can we move on?

Yes, my good boy. Yes we can.
Yes, my good boy. Yes we can.

SO. On top of Michael Parks, we saw that Haley Joel Osment still has his acting chops (in SPADES), Justin Long is still wildly relevant, and apparently Epic Meal Time's canadian connection with Harley Morenstein (it could get more jewish but I'm worried about attics) is bountiful.

Glorious Beard is Glorious
Glorious Beard is Glorious

All in all? This brilliance is glorious.

At the end though, I found myself asking the age old question, the one that has puzzled man since he first witnessed the sun....."Is man TRULY a Walrus at heart?"


Honestly, after this movie, I can emphatically say...I have no bloody idea what the hell you are talking about.

But I love it.

TL; DR 9/10 I don't know for sure yet, but this glory has to be seen in theaters JUST for the audience reactions.




If you liked this review, check out the original over at Horribly Hooched, and while you're at it, give me a like. I love attention.


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