ByAmy Surprenant, writer at Creators.co
I Write Therefore I Am...Obsessive and Compulsive
Amy Surprenant

Who is the best assassin? I’m sure people have pondered this question for ages. I certainly know everyone here at Moviepilot is quite keen on knowing the answer as well. I have good news: I’m here to tell you! So sit back, relax and enjoy my… deconstruction.

As with anything, there have been mountains of films about assassinations. But is there a difference between John Wilkes Booth and Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski? Well…”technically” an assassin is someone who murders an important figure for political reasons. So really, Booth was the real assassin here. But this article isn’t about him. There are plenty about him already. This article is about Bruce Freaking Willis.

Ah yes... this pleases the Willis.
Ah yes... this pleases the Willis.

I suppose I had started off wanting to write about Jimmy Tudeski, but…Bruce Willis is such a badass and has killed so many people in his movies that I’m going to make it all about him. Aside from The Jackal and The Whole Nine (and Ten) Yards where he actually plays an assassin, it’s difficult to think of a movie where Willis doesn't murder a lot of people.

Or wearing a gorgeous head of hair?
Or wearing a gorgeous head of hair?

Obviously, he was very much an assassin in The Jackal – what with being hired to kill the president’s wife and all. But he was utterly unkillable in The Whole Nine Yards. But honestly…being neighbors with Matthew Perry would probably have driven him to kill anyway. I’m surprised Perry’s character lasted in both films. He always looked like he couldn’t believe BevMo had a five cent wine sale going on.

BevMo? Five cent wine?
BevMo? Five cent wine?
Is it true? Dude...I gotta go get some wine.
Is it true? Dude...I gotta go get some wine.
DUDE! FIVE CEEENNNNTTSSS!!!!!
DUDE! FIVE CEEENNNNTTSSS!!!!!

Yeah...I'm pretty sure those crazy five cent wine people make those faces. Probably scare the cashiers a bit.

But I suppose having the “beautiful” Amanda Peet on your side would literally liquefy your loathing for Perry.

The quotation marks means it TRUE!
The quotation marks means it TRUE!

I’m actually pretty convinced Willis is an assassin in real life, too. The man practically has a gun glued to his hand. I could have sworn he had a gun in Sixth Sense. Didn’t he? No? Really?

Oh, THAT'S right...he was KILLED with one...SPOILER
Oh, THAT'S right...he was KILLED with one...SPOILER

Bruce Willis is the crème de la crème of assassins. For goodness sake, he's even in talks to play the American Assassin in the new movie that's set to start filming. I’m sorry, but there’s none better. It’s in his nature. In his own words: “Do bears bear? Do bees bee?” He just has it in his blood. But you know…I’d let him kill me any day.

Oh great...he's a VAMPIRE too?!
Oh great...he's a VAMPIRE too?!

That’s not too weird, is it?

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