ByTré Roland-Martin, writer at Creators.co
This is a MP blog where I state my opinions on upcoming movies and give predictions, review canceled projects, and talk about bad movies.
Tré Roland-Martin

There's this one blog on tumblr that I enjoy reading called "Knockoffs & Bootlegs." People on this blog usually posts knock-off/bootleg toys that mainly come from China, and they primarily feature bizarre superhero toys, which I'm going to review for the sake of this article. I'm also going to post some other stuff from different sources.

Funny Toys (see image above)

The toy you see in the above picture is called "Funny Toys," but it doesn't look very promising; you see the Power Rangers on the package, but the only toys on the inside are badly-sculpted versions of the Teletubbies. Do people in China think that the Teletubbies and the Power Rangers are the same people or something?

If this was made into a movie by some indie film company, the plot would go like this: All four Teletubbies get stuck in a time warp to the future, where they would become quasi-Super Saiyan Power Rangers that would get their powers from a god, making them also like Dragon Ball Z characters and Captain Marvel in the process. A movie like this would become a box office failure, and it would qualify for the "Most Unwanted Film", even if filmmakers like Uwe Boll, Çetin İnanç ("Turkish Star Wars"), or Michael Bay (Transformers) would direct it.

Superman Big Alliance

Worse than the Sense of Right Alliance!
Worse than the Sense of Right Alliance!

Let's see: we get no Superman, but yet there's unrelated characters like Donatelo, the Thing, Shrek, three Power Rangers, and Symbiote Spider-Man. I posted an article about the notorious bootleg toy line known as the "Sense of Right Alliance", which does have Superman and Batman in it. Here's my theory of how the "Superman Big Alliance" came to be: Shrek gets the same powers as Superman, calls himself by that name, and hires unrelated characters from different universes and reconstitutes the whole team as the "Superman Big Alliance".

Specialman

Too bland!
Too bland!

Specialman is what you get if Superman lost all his powers, thus forcing him to fight like Batman, minus the dark charm. Either that, or if Superman took a different alias and became a wussy superhero that would also be one of the main characters in the notoriously bad 2012 children's film The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure (what does the "love" mean in "Oogieloves"; are they softies?). Specialman was based off of the Kenner Man of Steel figure from 1995, in which Superman had a mullet. Not only that, but he was also based off of some old X-Men figurines from the 1990's (look at Specialman's belt).

Bear of the Interest

Might obviously have lead paint!
Might obviously have lead paint!

What were they thinking? Winnie the Pooh doesn't wear gloves, nor does he have five fingers or paws on the bottom of his feet! If Specialman had a Winnie the Pooh rip-off as a companion, than Bear of the Interest would definitely fit into that category. It plays a song, but I'm not sure how to identify it.

Clues & Monsters

"Uh. This sucks!" says Butt-Head
"Uh. This sucks!" says Butt-Head

In the United States, if Cartoon Network lost Pokémon to Nickelodeon in a loophole, things would go awfully awry and would have a guest appearance by Steve Burns from Blue's Clues.

Super Heroes: Justice League

Why Naruto?!?
Why Naruto?!?

If this toy was made into a movie, it would be one of the biggest box office disasters of any opening week throughout the United States and elsewhere. Why? Because it only has one Justice League hero, and that is Batman, and Naruto wouldn't make a good addition to being in a superhero league.

Oh, CRAP!!!!!

This is stupid! Bee-buh-bee-buh-beep-beep-beep!
This is stupid! Bee-buh-bee-buh-beep-beep-beep!

This is what you get if characters from Toy Story were to be under the influence of bath salts, making them go crazy and join the Justice League. Oh, and Spider-Man and Rafael would join them, too. And what's with the 2006 Superman Returns shield on the packaging? Unusual!

Spaderman

no comment.
no comment.

David Spade's attempt at becoming Spider-Man, and failing miserably in the process (his mask rips apart, and his secret identity is revealed). WE LOVE YOU, MR. SPADE!!!!!

Girly Spider-Man

!!!!!bmuD sI sihT
!!!!!bmuD sI sihT

If Spider-Man was meant to be marketed for little girls, teenage girls, etc., than I'm pretty sure the course of historical events would change dramatically.

Power Mans: Invincible Troop Warfare

They all look the same.
They all look the same.

If Bruce Wayne became the leader of the Power Rangers, then they would be given metallic Batman costumes. Nothing special about this toy.

Anna Montana

More like "The Worst of Blue Moons"!
More like "The Worst of Blue Moons"!

Anna Montana would make Miley Cyrus sound like Beethoven if the famous composer had no musical talent in such a way that he started banging on pianos while generating a wormhole that would send him to the year 1999, where he would record a lo-fi cassette of a symphony composed for Moog Sonic 6, electronic baby toys, and a VCR playing Star Trek episodes in reverse. Either that, or Anna Montana would make Miley Cyrus sound like Captain Beefheart if he ran played a harmonica and a saxophone simultaneously while ramming them through an oscillator-controlled Laserdisc player.

The Worst Backpack Ever!

Kadachang INGOT!!!
Kadachang INGOT!!!

Here's how this would come to be:

One day, Sonic the Hedgehog went to Hogwarts. but a magic trick went awfully awry, and Sonic was fused with Harry Potter. Sonic Potter went to America, where he also was given the same political status as Barack Obama. Sonic Potter, as President of the United States, fought against Mitt Romney in the 1980 Roger Corman classic Battle Beyond the Stars, a time when the planet Akir was going to be attacked. Sonic Potter wins, and he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Being the Best Political Superhero.

Space Boys 3

May give you nightmares!
May give you nightmares!

If Woody became leader of Buzz Lightyear's Galactic Alliance, he ends up turning into a space kaiju cowboy with giant hands and a somewhat muscular body. One day, little Andy saw the giant "Kaijoody", and it gave him nightmares for a month, and it caused his mother to send him to a mental institution, where Buzz Lightyear was seen assembling a Gundam-style robot. This bizarre chain of events led Disney to make a biographical film about it called "Kaijoody: Space Boys 3".

Mickey Mouse's Demonic Possession

Made by Winner!
Made by Winner!

If Disney made a kid-friendly adaptation of The Exorcist, this is the result.

Spider-Man is EVIL!!!!!

"Dang it!", says Kip.
"Dang it!", says Kip.

If Peter Parker was actually a Terminator-style android from the future, than that could mean that everything about Spider-Man was a lie, unfortunately.

Poll

Which of these toys do you find to be the most bizarre/funniest of the bunch?


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