Leprechaun (1993) - Movie review
by ArachnAsh (Follow on twitter @DroidsArachnAsh)
Synopsis: An evil, sadistic Leprechaun goes on a killing rampage in search of his beloved pot of gold.So, my first impression of this movie: good 'ol cheesy b-flick. My favourite! Little did I know the rage that would follow witnessing this 90s movie.It starts off with some old man somehow finding a leprechaun's gold. Makes sense. Then blathering to his wife, who of course just blames him for being drunk.But soon shit starts going awry. Hearing a child's voice coming from a suitcase? They don't see to have kids, either. I don't know about you, but I would set that thing on fire. But instead, she goes and sticks her ear to it, wondering when the fuck they kidnapped a child.
Out pops sunshine, and the mayhem begins. Being a scared old woman, she backs away, conveniently up to the basement stairs with her back to them. And down she goes! One down!The old man comes back later, and gets pissy with him, of course. Yet he seems more concerned with keeping the little bartard's gold than the fact that his wife is DEAD. Nope, that doesn't really matter. But eventually, he shows greeny a 4-leafed clover, and traps him in the basement.Now come the new couple who just bought the house. The wife doesn't seem to pleased, what with being used to high-end class. I bet she frequents Starbucks. And so they start working on the house to make it somewhat presentable. But they don't start on the inside. No, that would make sense. Instead, they start painting the outside. It has to look good for everyone else! But there's no main road that runs along in front of the house. They're out in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. But, who needs to make sense?
Not them!Now dumbshit #1 goes into the basement, and the leprechaun is awakened for the first time in ages. Now shit's getting real. But, instead of using his brain and boot-fucking the half-pint, he runs away and blabs to everyone else about what he found.Soon, they investigate, only to find a big-ass rat in the basement. It's just a rat, no big deal. Back outside they go, and start having run-ins with stubby without really knowing it. Yet, they're too thick to realize something isn't quite right. Something starts touching the chick's leg. It's just the cute guy that's helping with painting. Wrong!The claw marks on her leg... CLEARLY not cat claw marks. And the bite mark that the husband eventually gets on his hand? CLEARLY not a cat bite. But they pass it off as such. These people are seriously doomed.It baffles me how they can't seem to outrun this thing that's about 2 feet tall, and his steps are probably only half of what they take. Yeah, he might use magic, but they also seem quite sluggish. Are they drunk?Then the kid and the dumbshit finds the leprechaun's gold, and stash it away so that dumbshit doesn't have to be a dipshit anymore. They then proceed to bring it to a pawn shop to see how much they can get for it. Where the gold goes, the leprechaun goes. The shopkeeper never saw it coming.The pogo stick death scene? What in the actual fuck? The leprechaun bit him in the leg, and he goes down. Then he doesn't even move while the leprechaun somehow kills him by jumping on a pogo stick on his chest.
There weren't any puncture wounds, and yet he somehow sustained several wounds to the face. It doesn't make sense!I mean, he's a small guy, yet he somehow manages to kill buddy with the pogo stick? He can't weigh that much, so the most that would do is hurt. He could have easily reached up, grabbed the pogo stick, and tossed the little fucker. Also, don't you think that because buddy only had a leg injury that he'd still be able to get out of the way? I don't know, like roll out of the way, or actually get up? Again, that'd only make sense.And the cop then assuming that the leprechaun is a kid in that mini toy car. Yeah, it could be a mask, but I'd be wondering what the fuck a kid is doing out in the middle of the night. Seriously. Wouldn't the car have died after some time? I'm pretty sure they can't run all that long.The leprechaun tossing the cop's gun away. If you were the cop, wouldn't you have tried to find it to shoot the little fucker? Nah! Instead he tries to run from the runt.The cop running from the leprechaun in the woods got to me. I mean he tries to hide, hears it go quiet, and assumes it's safe. DUDE! Do you really think he would have given up that easily? And I'm pretty sure it's obvious that he's still around, somewhere in the woods.Something else that bothered me was the condition that the house was in. Yeah, they just bought the house, but the first thing they tackle is the outside? Now, if you recently bought a new house and it was in rough shape, don't you think you'd fix up the INSIDE first? There are cobwebs all over the kitchen, and a thick layer of dust everywhere. Don't these people clean? Don't they cook? Jennifer Aniston, you're a terrible housekeeper! Taking care of the inside would only make sense. But, from what I've seen so far, there is none of that in this movie.
Fuck logic! Of course, the one thing that probably bothers a lot of people in horror movies. You hear a sound that is out of place, or something you know will lead to certain death. What do they do? Go towards the sound! Fuck that shit! I'd get the hell out of there! That's how you get killed!Oh look, someone got smart and grabbed a shotgun, and they finally shot the little bastard! At this point, I'm hoping to hell that they go by the double-tap rule and shoot him in the head. Yes, they do, but they don't go about it in a smart way. Shocker! No, instead he unloads 6 rounds into a bush and only assume that the pesky little leprechaun is in there. Fucking 'tard.'Lo and behold, he's still alive! Now it's time to run. Again. Like idiots. At this point, I'm rooting for the leprechaun. Kill those stupid bastards, because they don't deserve to live!Back into the house they go, thusly trapping themselves inside, with a pissed off, raging leprechaun only wanting his pot 'o' gold. Now they're fucked. Or, at least, one can hope.Eventually, the dumbshit spills the beans about short-stuff's gold, and so they decide to give it back to him. So what happens? He gets his powers back, and discovers that it's not all there. Now it's on!These people must really suck at whack-a-mole, because they can't seem to shoot the little bastard fast enough. I mean, he's popping out of cupboards, monologuing, and what do they do? They stare at him until he disappears again. Dumbfucks.They manage to shoot him another time, which causes him to collapse. You'd think they would have learned from the last time, and just shot him in the face or something. But no. Instead they slowly get closer to him, at which point he jumps back up, and off he runs once again.And once again, they're assuming where he is, even after witnessing how he can basically appear in different spots of the house instantaneously. And they keep using the shotgun like fucktards. Like I said, they're not smart.So now they come up with the plan to find old man O'Grady, and ask him how to kill a leprechaun. Apparently he used to tell stories about leperchauns when dumbshit was a kid. Problem is he's now in a retirement home.Ttwinkle-toes is still out there. But, they somehow manage to figure out how to distract him: shoes.
Yeah! He can't resist polishing shoes. So, long story short, one of them manages to get out there, but he's not far behind. And who do they find in O'Grady's room? You guessed it! It's the small-fry, impersonating the old man. She tries to escape him using that slow-ass job they like to do. But half-pint isn't far behind, now using a wheelchair to quickly catch up.Well shit. Things are looking pretty grim now. She ends up finding O'Grady, and the secret to stopping a leprechaun: a 4-leafed clover. Back to the house we go, with short-stuff close behind. There's a short struggle in the abandoned cop car, they shoot him once again, and then continues the search for the 4-leafed clover. There just so happens to be patches of them, alongside a ton of dead grass. How believeable!Throughout this entire disaster, who is it that comes through for everyone? The kid, of all people. They manage to find the 4-leafed clover, and in the meantime the kid is setting up a bear trap in the barn to catch twinkle-toes. But, once again, they seem to forget that he can move around undetected, and tries to kill the kid using his own trap, but dumbshit leads the leprechaun away.Finally, the kid grabs the 4-leafed clover, bunches it up with some gum, and slingshots that little bastard into oblivion.
Or into the well. Same thing, right? Damn. He didn't even manage to off any more people. That was disappointing.The movie ends with a bit of a hint that short-stuff isn't quite dead, just dormant, and still in the well, even after a huge Michael Bay 'splosion.All in all, I've felt a lot of rage with this film. So many times they were able to catch that little fuck, or boot-fuck him, even trap him back into the crate. But no, instead they were fucktards and tried running away from a 2 foot tall little shit that only wanted his pot 'o' gold.If you want cheesy, then this is the movie for you.
If you want a movie that makes sense, stay far, far away. Don't even CONSIDER watching it, because it will piss you off beyond all reason. Now excuse me while I go bathe myself in a vat of lava.