The classic bout of Soccer Mom against all-things-fun started well before the first blow was dealt in the rivalry between Batman and Superman.
Experts claim the Soccer Mom's penchant for aggression inspired Galactus to send his heralds to earth so they could check things out. "What a powerful people they must be," Galactus had to have thought. If our earthly watchers of child ball kickers -and I mean that both metaphorically and literally- are willing to go to war over inane things such as lyrics and language, for sure Galactus saw their pent up energy as a way to fill his belly for years to come.
This week the Soccer Mom’s puritanical war raged on as a woman in Florida complained about Breaking Bad action figures on the shelves of a local Toys R’ Us. The woman, Susan Schrivjer of Fort Myers, said she didn't want her child exposed to the Walter White and Jesse Pinkman dolls. She feared her kids would be influenced by toys.
Here’s what she had to say in an online petition:
"Parents and grandparents around the world shop at Toys R Us, online and in [stores], with their children and should not be forced to explain why a certain toy comes with a bag of highly dangerous and illegal drugs or why someone who sells those drugs deserves to be made into an action figure.”
She continued her adamant stance against toys during an interview with Fox 4 in Fort Myers.
"Knowing those are the items one needs to make meth I just think that it's wrong,” she said. “Kids mimic their action figures, if you will. Do you want your child in an orange jumpsuit?"
Before I go on I just want to preface myself and saying I’m not condoning the use of drugs.
I would never point anyone in the direction of certain illicit substances and say it's an experience you need to partake in. That’s wrong.
Let’s all think about Schrivjer’s claims for a second, though. She’s essentially saying these Walter White toys will inspire kids to cook meth. Look, meth is a debilitating drug but it takes a really smart person to know how to cook it. In the case of White, we learned you need to be a chemist.
Sure you don’t want your children cooking meth, but think how smart they’d be if they knew how. Anybody skilled at baking methamphetamines from their own home also has a firm grasp on chemistry. Imagine giving your nine-year-old a Walter White toy –preferably one where he’s in his underwear from the pilot episode- and in a few months he is starting to come to terms with Kinetic Theory, Chemical Energies, Rates of Reaction and, of course, everyone’s favorite, that godamn Equilibria.
Within a year they'll take Master’s level courses. At 15 they'll pay off your mortgage.
All the child needs is some good parenting and guidance from the proper mentors and they wouldn't even go near meth. For Schrivjer to have these toys taken off of shelves was just selfish of her. A whole generation of genius children could’ve raised this country from the ashes of the burst housing bubble.
Toys with the potential to inspire kids to learn chemistry and eventually become 19-year-old uber chemists might also make racism go away. The reason I say that is because every problem we have is blamed on Obama. Since every fault in the U.S. is placed on his shoulders, then by the same logic he’ll be praised for saving education and our economy all in one fell swoop.
Klansman putting kids through Harvard will notice how good things became under a black president’s regime and they’ll be forced to rescind their vile thoughts. Even though Mattel and Vince Gilligan did all the work, it doesn’t matter. Our geniuses came out of the Obama Presidency.
If these toys have the ability to do what Miss. Scharblahblahblah says they do, then the genius stuff is the tip of the iceberg. For sure any kid grasping the scientific aspect of a Walter White doll will also be inspired by the character’s intelligence.
The big quote from Breaking Bad was when Walt said he was “the danger.” Think of the confidence it takes to say such a thing. Teaching a kid how to battle through self-esteem issues is hard, but if you have them believing they have the power to be “the danger,” America will not only be breeding junior chemists but fearless individuals; men and women who are born leaders, ready to take us into the future.
Jesse Pinkman dolls would also serve the same function. His character was that of a guy in his mid-20’s who ended up becoming a chemist over the course of one television season. It’s the perfect toy to give a kid struggling in school. It’s like look, I know you're having a hard time in Biology but if HE can figure out beakers and chemicals then so can you.
George Bush talked about not leaving any children behind and I bet he wishes he had a Pinkman doll back then to help out.
Sadly none of the scenarios I spoke of will happen. Schrivjer’s petition forced the hand of Toys R’ Us and all Breaking Bad items were removed from their shelves. If America ends up turning into this cesspool of D+ racist high school graduates you know where to point the finger.
A woman living in the state whose judicial system failed to put Casey Anthony away does not have the right to decide what toys we get to play with.
Now that you have gotten through this whole thing here is what someone more important than me had to say on this.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering...here are some of the offending action figures: