ByJohn Mountain, writer at
John Mountain

Directed by Jordan Rubin

Screenplay by Al Kaplan, Jon Kaplan and Jordan Rubin

You must prepare yourself before watching a movie the caliber of Zombeavers. In order to do this and to bring you the absolute finest review I:

Drank a beer.

Drank another beer.

Yep, another beer.


Drank a tall-boy. Also a beer, just in a taller can.

I went online and referenced zombies. I discovered that some guy named George is their king although lately he has worn his crown rather loosely. Then, after another beer, I referenced beavers. Lots and lots of beaver--er--beavers.

You see, you must prepare yourself for a movie like Zombeavers because it is extremely difficult to find a movie that is this ridiculous and that does not give two slaps of a beaver's ass what you think about it. The movie stars three cute and sexy girls in their 20's who, most of the time, are running around either topless or in the skimpiest of shorts or bikinis. You know dam well (pun intended) that there is going to be every dam reference (there also) to beavers that the writers and filmmakers can throw at you and I am not talking about the furry, bucktooth little bastards that chew wood; I'm talking about the other beaver*. You know, the type I can't mention without sounding totally sexist; although I am sure I've crossed that line at some point, anyway.

Let's get on with the plot of Zombeavers. Mary and Zoe take Jenn to Mary's family cabin after Jenn's boyfriend cheats on her. I suppose you could say he wanted to try some strange beaver (I really must stop writing whatever comes into my head.). It's supposed to be a girl's weekend alone at the cabin but of course we know dam well (yep, pun) that the guys are going to show up eventually and of course, they do. The remainder of Zombeavers is a lot of moaning and screwing and then screams as the six of them are beset upon by the foot chomping, wood chewing rodents who incidentally are the way they are because of a chemical spill. Rex Linn as a hunter named Smyth tries to save the day and there are human-zombie-beaver hybrids that you have to see to believe. I saw it and I still don't believe. This is not to mention the bear-zombie-beaver hybrid.

Despite its ludicrous nature Zombeavers is at its core a fun parody of the zombie genre. The movie references or lampoons several horror classics such as Night of the Living Dead, The Howling and Friday the 13th and it never feels like the film is making fun of these films but is instead paying high respect to them. How can you fault a film for that? Give Zombeavers a chance. You just might like it, dam it.*

*My wife informed me that in no way do women like to be called 'beavers'. I apologize if I offended any of you but it was kind of difficult to avoid.

*Yes, that was another pun.


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