(Warning: This post contains content of an adult nature that some readers may find distressing or way too awkward to comprehend.)
The act of lovemaking is a pretty awkward one when you think about it. The flailing around on top of a suitor, the noises, the face-pulling and the tendon ripping positions.
So when video game developers hold a mirror up to one of humanity's favorite past times and have their pixelated, wire-frame realizations of the human form writhe it out in the name of narrative progression and titillation, are you suitably titillated, left in a state of "what have I just seen?!" or left feeling straight up awkward?
Take Grand Theft Auto V's new first person mode, found exclusively in its PS4 and Xbox One versions, the next in a fine line of revolutionary changes to Rockstar's premium franchise.
(via Dreamlock on NeoGaf)
The first person perspective completely changes the game, in both a literal and metaphorical sense. Tasks like picking up prostitutes and going on mass killing sprees seemed easy to comprehend, they weren't a big deal, because it wasn't you carrying out the acts. The narrative distance had you far removed.
But with the first person perspective enabled, these acts feel closer and more harrowing and ridiculous to comprehend, especially whilst playing as grimy ol' Trevor!
Whether video games have been able to pull off a tastefully done sex scene is open to debate, but they sure have put out some absolute terrors! Join me as I venture through my top five most ridiculously awkward sexy moments in games!
5. Dragon Age II
The dialogue is teeth grindingly ridiculous, the foreplay like wrestling and what is up with Hawke's lounging robe? Looks like a regular fantasy-tinged Hugh Hefner. This scene is definitely verging on sleazy, not saucy. And those accents...
4. GTA: San Andreas - Hot Coffee
Originally intended on being a sex mini-game in San Andreas, "Hot Coffee", named after a line from CJ's girlfriend's dialogue, was hidden deep within the game's code. Or so Rockstar thought! The mini game could be accessed by downloading a patch, setting this highly non-arousing session of impromptu sexy-time free and driving parents and media into frenzied fits of rage!
Still fully clothed and strangely rubbery, the first gif just looks painful man!
3. Heavy Rain
"...That changes nothing. Saving Shaun is all that matters now." Then press circle to kiss the pretty journalist. Well...I say kissing, it's more of an awkward face rub slash chin spasm thing going on here in Heavy Rain - The Immersive Thriller Weird Foreplay Simulator. If your used to arching your joystick in strange positions to get gameplay satisfaction, then look no further than the Street Fighter of playable sex scenes.
Hold R2, L3, triangle and spin controller in a 360 degree angle to hit the fabled G-spot. I kid, but it's not too far off. Besides the strange QTE-esque control system, sheer awkwardness of the situation astounds me. He's just cut his own finger off, killed a guy and crawled through glass to get to sex on a motel floor, which is probably dirtier than the bed. And he sneaks off at the end. What a guy.
2. Ride To Hell: Retribution
Arguably one of the worst games ever created, Ride To Hell also contains some of the most terrifying, gut-wrenching, expressionless sexy scenes I've seen in my years on this planet. Did they just straight up forget to animate the faces? Not to mention how they're managing to grind on each other whilst fully clothed. How is the blonde in the above gif moving her head like that? What? Why? How?
1. Burning Desire
In this Atari classic you play as a naked and rather well-endowed man, dangling from a helicopter, who is attempting to save a naked lady from a fire whilst being attacked by two rock-flinging cannibals. You apparently spit on the flames to extinguish them and, in order to pull herself to safety, the woman clamps down on your penis, revealing the below image...
"Thank you naked pervert! You saved my life. Now let us recline on a grassy knoll and I shall fellate thou until the next round." Right, okay. I've never seen anything quite like this, so hats off!
So, handing the baton over to you, readers what awkward sexy moments have you come across on your travels through the world of video games? Experiences in the comments please!