ByJohn Mountain, writer at
John Mountain

Directed and Written by Lowell Dean

There's something strange and mean going on in the town of Woodhaven. What's a poor, alcoholic loser of a cop supposed to do to keep his town safe? My answer to that question would be to crawl his drunk ass out of the bottom of a bottle and act like a real cop for a change. Apparently, that would be the wrong answer. In order to save his town and the annual Drink 'n' Shoot-once a year people drink and carry firearms in an attempt to hunt some mythical beast whose actual name escapes me at the moment-Officer Lou Garou (really?) needs to crawl his drunk ass out of the bottom of a bottle, have a curse put on him and to act like a real Wolfcop for a change. It sounds exciting, right? Then why did I find myself fighting to stay awake during this movie?

The trouble I found with Wolfcop is a bit of an enigma. Too much information is packed into its brief (79 minutes) and yet it seems as if we are told nothing at all. During the entire film I felt as if I had walked into the middle of a conversation of which I had no idea of the topic. I knew that something nefarious was going on in the town and that it had something to do with the solar eclipse and the cancellation of the Drink 'n' Shoot but the details are sketchy at best. Characters-especially Corrine Conley as the mayor and Jesse Moss as Gang Leader-yes that is his official credit-seem to appear onscreen at the most random of times and add nothing to the story. Don't even get me started about the 'Wolfcop-Sexy Bartender in the jail cell with candles and music sex scene'. Sure it was somewhat erotic in a strange way but I couldn't help thinking that if they got stuck then who was going to pour cold water on them? That mental inquiry and what happens immediately after the lupine-homo sapiens coital coupling just ruined the whole mood for me.

The cast of Wolfcop is a mixed bag of talent, most of it bad. Leo Fafard as the titular character gets my vote for most monotonous performance in a horror film for 2014. Sarah Lind is sexy and that's all. Jonathan Cherry is your typical cinematic small town goofball and Aidan Devine brings nothing new to the role of Chief. Amy Mataysio is decent as Tina but in a movie like Wolfcop all that decent will get you is a whole lot of nothing.

As I said in my recent review of Wolves whenever there is a werewolf film the make-up and transformation scenes must be discussed. With Wolfcop the discussion is simple: they both stunk. I have a full head werewolf mask that I got at the Spirit Halloween Store four or five Halloweens past that looks better than the crap they attempt to pass off as werewolf makeup for Wolfcop. As for the transformations the kindest thing that I can say is that the FX crew should not give up their day jobs if they indeed have one.

I wanted to like Wolfcop. I had heard good things about it from fellow reviewers and bloggers and was pumped up to watch it. So now that I have seen it what exactly have I learned? I suppose you could say that I've learned that if you get pumped up too much for something then the letdown is going to be horrifically brutal.


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