Fond are the memories of the days you spent on the playground trying to “Catch ‘Em All.” Whether you spent recess swapping Pokémon cards or trading via link cable on your Gameboy Color, Pokémon was an undeniably large part of your childhood. Remember back when Mewtwo reigned king, and 150 seemed a vast and sufficient number of pocket monsters to populate the fictional world? Life was good. Alas, Nintendo wanted more; and as Harvey Dent so wisely advised, “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” And a villain Pokémon certainly has become. So, buckle up and get ready. Let’s take a brave look down the long list of (now) 719 Pokémon and review the most cringeworthy new pocket monsters.
10. Doublade, the Sword Pokémon!
The evolved form of Honedge, this Steel/Ghost type Pokémon is quite literally a sheathed pair of swords. When in battle, it cuts its opponents to ribbons in Zorro-like fashion. I have a similar set of swords hanging on my mantelpiece, I wonder if it too can be considered by the Nintendo franchise.
9. Foongus, the Mushroom Pokémon!
I’m not sure who would choose to battle the gym leaders with a pocket monster that resembles a delicious kitchen ingredient, but if you do, power to you! This fungi abomination, who holds a clever resemblance to Toad from the Mario games, is a Grass/Poison type and makes Gloom look like Fabio.
8. Barbaracle, the Hand Pokémon!
This four armed Goro evolves from Binacle and is a shockingly powerful Rock/Water type. Is it just me, or does it look exactly like the Tenome monster from Pan’s Labyrinth?
7. Trevenant, the Tree Pokémon!
This Ghost/Grass type looks like the thing your parents warned you about if tried to steal from the candy tree. It’s a nightmare in every sense of the word and needless to say, I won’t be venturing into any Pokémon forests anytime soon.
6. Crustle, the Hermit Crab Pokémon!
Crustle, even the name makes me cringe. This thing looks like what you’d get if you crossed a Krabby with a lasagna. It is Bug/Rock type, however, so if you want to diversify your party and are willing to fight with crab lasagna, then Crustle is the Pokémon for you!
5. Cofagrigus, the Mummy Pokémon!
I guess the creators wanted a Pokémon that looked like King Tut’s sarcophagus with arms. Despite my irrational fear of ghosts and Cofagrigus being a Ghost type, this thing does not scare me at all. I mean look at its arms. It looks like the sticky hand toys you used to buy as a kid!
4. Vanillish, the Ice Cream Pokémon!
Sigh. This is the second in a three series evolution of ice cream Pokémon (presumably based on the scoop sizes at your local ice cream shop; small, medium, and large). Vanillish is an Ice type Pokémon that maybe draws its power from being underestimated and mistaken for a delicious frozen treat. My suggestion? They should’ve diversified their ice cream flavors. I mean, vanilla, really? This Pokémon is looking pretty basic, and being vanilla isn’t doing it any favors.
3. Klefki, the Key Ring Pokémon!
Dear Lord, what is this thing?! This Steel/Fairy type needs no explanation. Its Pokédex entry states, and I quote, “These key collectors threaten any attackers by fiercely jingling their keys at them. “ ...God is sorry he made us.
2. Garbodor, the Garbage Bag Pokémon!
The evolved form of Trubbish, Garbodor is a Poison type Pokémon that can finish opponents with its foul-smelling poisonous gas. I have a few Garbodors in my kitchen that have the same effect. Say what you will, however, but Gardodor is surprisingly powerful and fights hella well. And, on top of that, he’s got one of the most creative names since Ekans. Gardodor = Garbage + Odor. Genius!
1. Mega Swampert, the Mud Fish Pokémon!
Also known as the spirit animal of every juiced up frat guy. Mega Swampert is what you’d get if you crossed a deep sea ocean fish with the gamma radiation that produced the Hulk. It is a Water/Ground type Pokémon that is patiently waiting for its chance to be the cover model on Steroids Monthly magazine.
Congratulations, we survived! May we curl up in fetal position, rocking back and forth, in denial that Pokémon is no longer just the renaissance 150. But, maybe 569 new pocket monsters isn’t such a bad thing... I, for one, am looking forward to picking up the new Pokémon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire game (in stores now) and running through the Elite Four with my team of garbage bags, ice cream cones, and lasagna crabs.
Just kidding, my team is all Zubats!