ByJorge Rodriguez-Ramos Fdez, writer at Creators.co
Spanish bred, adopted by Germany. I like all things neat and tidy, I dislike scripts written by executive boardrooms to get the quick buck.
Jorge Rodriguez-Ramos Fdez

I think there should be (if there isn’t already) the figure of the movie trailer critic. Having seen the new and flashy trailer of [Jurassic World](movie:32752) I was left with the feeling that if the clichés and fanboy satisfying tropes were evident in that short span 2 minute trailer they will be as loud and annoying as brontosaurus’ steps in the movie.

Just send your kids to a regular summer camp

via Screenrant
via Screenrant

For starters, judging from the images it seems like Jurassic World is an amusement park in the style of Disney world or Universal, for the whole family to enjoy. Why the hell would you send your teenage and pre-pubescent kids alone? Had the parents planned a 2 week vacation in “Fetish World” the second most popular theme park of the future and couldn’t wait to get rid of their children? At the airport the mother is telling the younger of the two how proud she is he is doing that trip while his older brother frowns and looks annoyed as hell. None of the two seem that elated. Why not send them somewhere cheaper, and safer for that matter? Or just take them to “Fetish World”, I’m sure they would be up to it.

Awesome but totally impractical 'improvements'

As our teenage main character gets into the park we realize quickly that having freaking dinosaurs isn’t cool enough: we need futuristic monorails and glass round “gyrospheres” to move around in the park. As much as it’s part of the backstory, I find it hard to believe dinosaurs would become old news… hell, the animatronic dinosaurs have been popular for decades, and they're made out of cardboard! I’ll give the monorail a pass, but why would I rather go around house sized dinosaurs in a slow, barely maneuverable vehicle instead of a good ‘ol jeep with a titanium roll cage and a glass upper structure? I know they portray all hervibores in this movie as if they were tamed dogs, but even then a brontosaurus might trip and fall on one of those transparent pieces of spherical junk. Good luck paying your insurance Jurassic World.

Being splashed by a tsunami isn't fun IRL

The scene with the water dinosaur (Mosasaurus if you wan’t to get technical) feeding deserves a mention of it’s own. Where does the park get it’s reservoir of great whites? Do they have a great white tank somewhere? Who is in charge of feeding them? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just put a big net with fish inside for the jumping-out-of-water stunt? Is the Masrani coporation and the shareholders of the park ok with such a waste of their money? If I were one of them I would be making sure the head of the park gets fired. Also on that note, being splashed by a dolphin at Seaworld is cool and fun, because dolphins (as all physical beings in the universe) displace their own weight in water, the shark eating reptile looks like it’s 8 times bigger than a blue whale, the splash of that thing would not only kill most of the spectators but would probably knock out the structure. Your insurance premium just went up another notch, Jurassic World. Final point to this particular inconsistency is that the real life Mosasaurus was not as huge as it’s portrayed and even if the Masrani corporation had the know-how to tinker with it’s genes and make it bigger, I very much doubt they have the know-how to tinker with the square cube law.

Women are scientists, men are hunters, none are smart

The two main characters, from the assumptions we can make of the trailer, are an extremely attractive scientist/businesswoman/park COO and an extremely attractive and rugged… hmmm, park warden? attractive scientist? Hot looking guy to attract the female demographic to a movie they would otherwise never see? I will let you decide. Either way, the scientist seems to be calling the shots of what will be done in the park, she talks about this hybrid they’ve built. Clearly regular dinosaurs aren’t cool enough as we already saw from the monorail and the glass gyropheres, the need a hybrid to sell more tickets. But what did they hybridize it with? is it part dinosaur part Charles Manson? Was it her idea? Did she ask the shareholders? What purpose other than moving the plot forward does this hybrid have? If I were the salesperson of their insurance company I would make sure she gets promoted to be the new “great white feeder” before I sign any policy with them.

Male power fantasies old and new

The final scene of the trailer is the point where the producers decided to stop trying to make it look like they did a movie and just come out with the truth. They’ve done what I am guessing will be 2 hours of plotless filler for the 1 odd hour of dinosaur action. They have also gone for the oldest trick in the book: The velociraptors are now on the good side (terminator 2 anyone? Or dragon ball, or almost any other popular character that began being a heel?). The final scene, with our manly blonde riding his manly bike (another pretty useless vehicle in the jungle, but whatever), with his manly rifle strapped to his manly back, with his manly look and his manly velociraptors following his manliness is probably the perfect still of what the movie will be: Dino-action aimed at kids the same age as the ones in the movie; 80’s He-man was a more subtle male power fantasy.

Final conclusions

The original movie was based on a book, a book that had a functioning and more or less logic plot. The movie did butcher some elements and dumb-down some of the characters, but the main story still had consistency because someone had thought it through and was more interested in making a good story than in selling merchandise. Jurassic World will do what it has been designed to do, it will sell tickets and will be forgotten soon enough to get out another sequel in a couple of years.

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