ByBJ Hall, writer at
I write Comedy, Do Stand-up, Travel Through Time, and enjoy the FUCK out of a good movie! Twitter: @InitiallyDirty FB: https://www.facebook.
BJ Hall

Holy moley movie goers, this film's plot (most of you already know this) is completely fucking insane. Some of you who have yet to see the film or any of its advertisements (or maybe you thought human Centipede to be a pièce de résistance of shock-horror ) I am not exaggerating in the least! I don't want to get metaphysical on you guys or anything, but this plot, film, and execution of story-telling comes from the same universe (Kevin Smiths brain) as does the colorlessness 'Clerks', the irreverent 'Mallrats', ' and the constipated 'Jersey Girl' plots. Take that in...because that in itself is delightfully disturbing to say the least, but with the help of Michael Parks and a sprinkle of creative story-telling, you completely forget all of those previous features of well written lighthearted dialogue the first time you see Justin Long believably sown into a Walrus suit made of stitched together flesh and bone. Shit, just saying it invokes an image of complete sadness and terror that it sort of just makes me pause a moment so that I can reflect on the sadness and encompassing lunacy drenched in gut-busting darkened hilarity that is this wonderfully frightening picture. It gets me folks, sitting in my head and confusing me to bits. At the end of the film I don't really know whether to laugh, cry, or roast a bone so that I can allow my consciousness ample time to make a decision it will probably take ten years to make. I am serious, this movie is so universally entertaining, hitting the walls of horror, comedy, drama, and madness, that 10 years from now I will be sitting in some coffee shop, minding my own business, when at random someone will gleefully mention sea creatures or marine life in general - then all of the sudden like a soldier experiencing PTSD my mind will flashback to Michael Parks as Howard Howe reclining onto the back of Justin Long's fleshy Frankin'Walrus body and singing a fucking sea shanty..... ohhh god, I think I just went blind in my right eye.

^My exact reaction to this thought....
^My exact reaction to this thought....

Long plays Wallace Bryton, a flourishing podcaster on a show called "The NotSee Party". Co-hosted by his best friend Teddy Craft (Haley Joel Osment), the podcast itself is set up like a Tales From Affair sort of deal where Wallace goes and interviews internet famous people or just interesting people in general. It is made pretty clear in the film that Long's character at one point was a nice optimistic underachiever who dreamed of doing stand-up and has changed in a full almost 180 degree fashion into a narcissistic dickbag. A character of which Justin Long can really fit into (sown into?) as seen in previous films, as well as ripping at your emotions and delivering a stellar performance that sucks out all of your empathy in a second with a teary-eyed glance. Wallace in this case is going on a trip to interview a kid who became internet famous for detaching his own leg with a samurai sword and had it posted to Youtube. The reason for the interview itself seems to be not only because the kid is famous but for the sake of exploiting this kids tragic - if not idiotically so - accident to get rating for his podcast. Inside these muddy moral waters though you get the sense that Long's character doesn't really register the kids situation and with his eye on the prize interview he heads to Canada only to discover that the kid killed himself just before he got there. Although a person taking their own life is saddening in all ways, that fact doesn't even enter into his mind as he sits in a local bar chatting on the phone to Teddy about how selfish the kid was for not waiting a couple more days so he could get the interview. While in the bar lamenting on his wasted journey to interview a mono-legged man, he comes across an add written by a man looking for a roommate, saying that he has many stories to tell. With another beer and a phone call Wallace takes off toward the outskirts of rural Canada. On the way there he stops and the cameo's of both Kevin Smith's daughter as well as Johnny Depp's daughter make their appearance as gas station attendants who I am guessing "weren't even supposed to be there that day". They direct him even further into the depths of Canada's wilderness where he finally comes to the gigantic home of Howard Howe, the man from the add.

A very articulate, well dressed, and seemingly pleasant older man who speaks slowly and deliberately. They exchange dialogue as they sip tea. The old man (Michael Parks) comes off as only slightly creepy as he regale's Wallace with what seem to be tall tales of when he was a naval cook during WWII. The curious podcaster is awash with excitement as he goes around Howe's study taking in all the artifacts from his life. Then he comes across a Walrus cock-bone placed above the hearth like a trophy. It is then the old man begins his tale of woe while lost at sea and the Walrus who saved his life. Justin would probably be sitting on the edge of his seat for a different reason besides the fact he was drugged and passes out during the story. He wakes to find that one of his legs is missing after Howe tells him he was bitten by a spider and the doctor had to remove it to save his life. Just as confused as you are about what I just said Wallace understandably flips the fuck out. Park's eccentric old man quickly turns to delusional, and its then that Bryton is told horrific plan of the elderly seamen to transform him into the visage of his old friend Mr. Tusk... well maybe visage isn't the word..... fuck it, I am going with Frankin'Walrus... a Frankin'Walrus version of his old friend Mr. Tusk. After which the depths of lunacy really begin to be explored.

Gotta love the shots in this film!
Gotta love the shots in this film!

This movie has it all folks. Twists, turns, and enough dark humor to get lost within again and again. Johnny Depp even shows up to play the part of enigmatic Guy Lapointe, an ex-homicide French Canadian detective who is hot on the trail of Howard Howe and! I love it! Seeing Depp in full make-up as Guy Lapointe, doing a French Canadian accent with Kevin Smith dialogue is one of the best parts of the movie. I have heard some other folks talk massive shit about his performance but let me tell you if seeing that sort of classic comedy cameo doesn't make you laugh well I just don't know what to do for you because I was laughing my balls off at his introductory dialogue with Wallaces girlfriend (who does a damn fine job tugging at my heart strings) and Teddy Craft in the fast food restaurant. Its the subtle things really, his movements, his quirks, and his delivery of the dialogue make that damn character into an exaggerated but believable man trying to complete a quest to put an end to Howe's killings and mutilations which supposedly have riddled the Canadian wilderness for years. It's a perfect character, especially for such a messed up creature comedy feature such as this......

Exactly how many thumbs-up most folks will give the film!
Exactly how many thumbs-up most folks will give the film!

Everything considered I really love that this was an idea dreamed up on on of Smiths SMODCAST's, made into a tag asking fans if they wanted it (), and then thrown into production as soon as Smith pinned the screenplay. Its amazing, because without Kevin Smith following through despite the multitudes of folks that probably tried to stop him with a boat load of "Why" and ended up making one of the best horror-comedies I have seen in my entire life. It just goes to show that you can do anything you put your mind to people, as long as you are willing to brave the storm..... and if you brave the storm and become ship wreaked, well... at least then you will know who to make friends if there are any Walrus's about.



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