ByTyler Sparks, writer at
Founder of I chew glass and shit highballs. I like booze, I like horror, I write boozy reviews about horror.
Tyler Sparks

If you haven't seen it already and you're curious if this movie is worth your time, stop right now and GO WATCH IT. Yes, my reviews hilarious and worth your time but I can wait.

Wrestling star Goldberg as an ass kicking, booze swillin fire breathin stripper loving Santa Claus - if you don't think that isn't the most brilliant premise for a Christmas Horror movie then we really aren't going to get along.


High quality Egg Nog, spiked heavily with Bourbon. The perfect beverage for some Christmastime slashing.


Honestly, I'm quite impressed with the premise. Taking a bit from many different Santa stories (like Krampus) Santa is actually a demon, the son of the Devil with a penchant for gambling. A wily angel takes advantage of this terrible terrible addiction, proposing a wager, and when he loses Santa's forced into 1000 years of slavery, bringing joy and presents to children the world over.

Gamblings no joke kids. *swigs from bottle*. Real serious addiction kids. *pukes in sink*
Gamblings no joke kids. *swigs from bottle*. Real serious addiction kids. *pukes in sink*

Course when those thousand years are up, Santa's got quite the bone to pick. So naturally he goes on a wild murder spree, starting with an extremely dysfunctional family

From there, its a non stop gore fest as Santa punishes the naughty. Well...I guess not just the naughty...since pretty much everyone gets it.



Blood a plenty. More comical than nauseating.


Oh yes. Strip club + mistletoe = AWESOME


Emilie De Ravin and Douglas Smith are both very strong as the leads, and the supporting cast does pretty much what they need to - stay out of the way. This film isn't about riveting performances or brilliant writing.


I'm not necessarily a fan of wrestling, but even a neophyte such as myself knows the name Goldberg. If for nothing else than those muscles - I don't swing that way but I'll be damned if my downstairs mixup doesn't twitch just a little bit at seein THIS:

Yes, bro, he does lift
Yes, bro, he does lift

Weird oddly homoerotic trouser tingling aside, there isn't a dull moment in Santa's Slay. Seriously. From the family brawl at the start, to the bizarre claymation backstory, to the 'hell deer' (its a bison) that pulls his sleigh, this is one wonderful ride. Goldberg's performance can be a bit...rough...near the end but who cares.

...not that I would say that to his face
...not that I would say that to his face

This is the type of movie that you sit down with a drink, some friends, turn on the Christmas lights, and laugh your asses off for an hour and a half. Not exactly a thinking mans movie (I mean Santa tears it up in a strip club) but it isn't supposed to be. What its supposed to be is ridiculous bloody fun, and that it is.

TL;DR 9/10. Tis the season to get messed up and watch Santa slaughter some sweater meats


also, the WHOLE MOVIE is up on YouTube. Not sure how long it will be or whatever but I'm not the one who put it there so ENJOY

Original article HERE

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