While the long-beloved stories of the Star Wars expanded universe have been thrown on the backburner, the old stories are being re-released as the "Legends" series and still well worth reading. Almost all of the Expanded Universe novels are available for purchase on Google Play, and Dark Horse has a massive collection of comics to keep you entertained for the rest of the year.
But, for all of it's incredible adventures and unforgettable characters (R.I.P. Mara Jade Skywalker, the Solo kids, and General Thrawn) there certainly are moments and stories that are more embarrassing for fans to recall. So, of course, I'm here to recall them and save you that second-hand blush.
1. The Jedi Prince Series - Worst AND Weird
Not necessarily part of the EU, but technically so, this series of stories goes off the deep-end and into weirdland with moments like these at a Calrissian-owned Intergalactic Disneyland Replica:
“It’s too bad Ken’s not with us,” [Leia] said. “I’m sure he would have a great time.”
“Luke would love Hologram Fun World, too,” Han replied. “He’s always wanted to go hover-skiing down the side of an exploding volcano.”
Hologram Fun World?! Han, you're not Luke's dad, and also - what?
The series also introduced a bunch of other words and fanfic-y notions that fell just below the line of plausible in the Expanded Universe, including Zoochberry Juice, which sounds more like a Pokemon healing berry than anything I'd drink on Tatooine. There was also the Droid Replica Leia that ultimately killed the overwhelming bad guy who was creeping on Non-Droid Replica Leia, which makes me think that I need one of my own.
2. Boba Fett mentoring Jaina Solo - Weird
George McFly allowed the dude who sexually assaulted his wife a few times in high school to wash their car and come within 20 miles of their home - so hey, why wouldn't Han Solo allow Boba Fett around his daughter?
In a strange turn of events, Boba Fett ends up mentoring Jaina Solo, who must defeat her insane twin brother after he's turned to the Dark Side. The thought process behind this probably needs more context, but even if I explained it, it's still pretty weird.
Let's remember that Boba Fett seemingly hates the Jedi, and y'know, there was that whole carbonite thing with the Solo family patriarch, but hey - let's just invite the guy to dinner this weekend and leave him alone in a room with our kid! What could possibly go wrong?
I love Boba Fett, and I paid real earth credits to read things that featured him, but this was just wacky. Oh, can we also talk about the fact that the EU made a point of Fett falling into the Sarlaac pit a second time in the "Jawas of Doom" comic?
3. Jaxxon - SUPER Weird
Next week, Marvel is kicking off it's brand-new run of Star Wars comics that will follow the adventures of our heroes between A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back - but back in the 70's, the comic house was given an early chance to produce Star Wars stories, and they kinda' bombed. Memorable yet cringeworthy, I'll still take the rabbit-alien that caused Luke Skywalker a whole bunch of trouble over Jar Jar any day. Jaxxon was nuts in a fight, after all.
Jaxxon was a weird mix of Rocket Raccoon, Howard the Duck and Jabberjaw in personality, and is featured on one of the variant cover for Issue One of the new Star Wars comic.
4. Jax Pavan - Worst
If you've ever wanted to read the most obvious Mary Sue-style story in the Star Wars universe, check out Coruscant Nights I: Jedi Twilight and virtually anything with this guy in it. Dark past, common lifestyle, hiding a big secret - he's got it all:
Jax Pavan is one of the few Jedi Knights who miraculously survived the slaughter that followed Palpatine’s ruthless Order 66. Now, deep in Coruscant’s Blackpit Slums, Jax ekes out a living as a private investigator, trying to help people in need while concealing his Jedi identity and staying one step ahead of the killers out for Jedi blood. And they’re not the only ones in search of the elusive Jax.
Jax was unintentionally self-important, and could essentially fit the profile of every brooding, boring protagonist with baggage that mainstream video games have given us for the last five years. He's a trenchcoat-clad jedi-gone-detective who solves mysteries, hides a dark secret, and gets to frolic around with classic characters in his story. I mean, it's cool, but he's just so boring as a character that the books aren't really worth the effort.
5. The Ewok TV Movies - Weird, but probably not the worst
As if we weren't tortured enough by the Star Wars Life Day Special, the studio bigwigs decided that it'd be super-fun to create not one, but two Made-for-TV Ewok movies, both of which I've had the unique experience of sitting through 'til the end. One is titled The Ewok Adventure, and the other is called Ewoks: The Battle of Endor. The latter is considered much, much better than the former, but by the end of both I couldn't really tell what reality was, so I couldn't say for certain.
While I doubt there's little more for me to say outside of the fact that there are two movies about Ewoks, fans of really ridiculous and out-there eighties fashion (read: me) will have a hayday with these movies for about five minutes before they actually have to watch the flicks. Like, seriously, here's one of 'em:
Yeah. Like I said, it's pretty out there.